Showing posts with label Party Sharks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Party Sharks. Show all posts

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Which Way Books #6: Sugarcane Island

After experiencing a very, very poor man's Narnia via the magic of Twist-a-Plot it's back to the other cheap knockoff series, but today's subject is something a little different. Somehow, through the magic of public domain or perhaps high-powered copyright lawyers (all that Simon & Schuster money had to be buying something and it sure wasn't quality authors) Choose Your Own Adventure founder Edward Packard shows up for his lame competition. Making this even more incredible is the fact that "Island" may have been the first interactive work of fiction ever created and here it is as a throwaway entry in a lazy "me too!" series, with Packard's name replacing the steady march of Alan Smithees (R.G. Austin???). My mind can barely handle this, I'll be honest. We'll talk more about it when we look at the revised C.Y.O.A. version, but for now let's do this.

We got the rights to this book by some Packard goof. Only 99 cents! Cheap!

Betraying the fact that this book was straight-up poached from the godfather of the genre, this one has a completely different appearance than the other Which Way titles, including different numbers, black lines as a divider before most of the choices and an extremely brief reminder to use our head because on Sugarcane Island you can get wrecked quick. Not unlike how your hard work can be stolen out from under you by another publisher, I guess.

The set-up is pretty straightforward. I'm on a boat in the Pacific on the way to see a Doctor Frisbee (no Vivaldi, not yet) on the Galapagos Islands. The merciless sea has other plans, however, and I get swept off the boat by a rogue wave, finally washing up on a beach after blacking out. Yes, the human body has an automatic "tread water" ability that kicks in when you're out cold, in case you didn't know. Anyways, tropical island paradise or horrific death await and concerns about food and rest are already pressing to the fore. I decide to climb a "rocky hill" in search of food and perhaps sports balls to befriend.

It's actually not subtle at all, bro.

Being sure to keep a watch for snakes I climb the hill and manage to find some "tasty berries." Man, this survivalist stuff is cake. Now I just need to build a bug-out shelter. Or keep climbing that "hill" which apparently more like the cliffs of Dover. To reach the top I must contend with "dangerous looking rocks" (don't like the look of those rocks...don't make eye contact...just keep walking) but decide to lie down and rest instead because sloth is the solution to all of life's difficulties.

Strangely, another Deadly Sin kicks in and I decide to keep tucking into the berries and perhaps look for more instead of maybe getting some winks. It appears the whole "hill" plot-line has been abandoned, not like I miss it or anything. Hey look, an "enormous white dog!" Better approach and domesticate this sucker as I rebuild civilization piece by piece from first principles in this new Eden. If this goes well I'll be building ziggurats and making crude clay records in a pictograph alphabet within a week or two, max.

This is clearly designed to appeal to adults over the age of 21.

Sadly, my animal training skills aren't really up to it as I end up being herded by the K-9 to a clearing where another dozen similar dogs are waiting. Assuming I can turn this around and eventually have a hound army I decide to stick around instead of running. Then the pack runs off after "unseen game" and I run off, too. Well, that was something. During my cowardly retreat I encounter a turtle and am given a chance to ride on it. I can't really think of any compelling reason not to.

Incredibly, this well-conceived Jeb Bush strategy leads toward disaster as Mr. Turtle swims into a some crocodiles and then is heading out to sea because I guess sea turtles sometimes spend long periods of time on land for whatever reason. Not wishing to get chomped on by a future pair of boots I hang on. So it's into the ocean where I get devoured by a shark, complete with a lovingly crafted illustration of this awful fate. By trying to avoid being torn apart by a toothy predator I caused it to happen anyway. Oh, the irony. So many spoons, etc.

 Make sure none of the guests lost loved ones to Mr. Jaws before holding this particular party.

Like all classic, pioneering works of high art this one is basically review-proof, but I will say it was a bit of a mess. Most of the events were just bizarre in their randomness and it didn't feel like there was any goal I was getting closer to or further from, just various compartmentalized encounters loosely tied to the island itself. You have to start somewhere, so you can't really complain too much. We'll save that for when we review the amazing "revised" edition next week.

You will entscheidest so hard you'll barely believe it. Also, watch out for snakes!


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Sunday, June 19, 2016

News You Can't Use: Shark Killed After Tourists Drag it Out of the Water for Pictures

Here in the Northern Hemisphere the miracle of axial tilt has brought warmer weather and this means off to the beach, dudemar. Yes, it's time for beach party beers, skin cancer, premature wrinkling, hanging ten and dragging animals out of the water and letting them slowly die in agony while we pose around the body and take lots of self-photography. After a long winter it's hard to blame people for these excesses, but we're going to anyway because the welfare of the little brother of Jaws matters a lot, just like everything else.

A shark was killed after a group of tourists and lifeguards dragged the helpless creature out of the water so they could take pictures with it.

When you think of swimming garbage disposals the words "helpless creature" are probably not the first ones to pop into your head, but no one likes tourists even though our local economy depends on them, so let's tut tut over the most shocking crime against nature since tiger selfies.

In a shocking video recorded in the Dominican Republic, a group of seven men race into the water before cautiously approaching the large shark and pulling it to shore.

You could argue that the constant influx of new "shocking videos" combined with the increasingly diminished levels of horror they deliver (Oh no, not the shark!) is turning us into jaded, emotionless nihilists. I mean, what are the odds this was even the worst thing to happen in the Dominican Republic on this particular day, let alone the rest of the world?

Some of those involved were lifeguards from the nearby Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Punta Cana, The Dodo reports.

Thank you, "The Dodo," you are truly the only credible news source left.

It then appears to become tangled in the ropes of a life ring and thrashes violently while trying to escape – but the men continue to drag it from the water.

In some parts of the world these horrific attacks on peaceful "sea kittens" are called "fishing." I know, it's hard to believe we're capable of such callous attacks on our Mother, The Earth.

They then put a life ring over the innocent creature’s head and prod it with a wooden plank.

Give it the plank? Yes, give it the plank.

Others can be seen holding its tail and making thumbs up gestures while in another picture there are four children.

See, there were even CHILDREN? Do you care now? What do you mean "No?"

"Let's party dudes! Hey, what are doing with that plank and life ring?"

A Hard Rock Hotel spokeswoman said "corrective measures" are being taken against the employees involved. 

Your horrible minimum wage job hangs by a slender thread now.

She added: “That is absolutely against our standards of protecting animals as we protect our guests.”

"Whatever the approved opinion is, you can bet I agree with it."


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.