News You Can't Use: North Carolina Man Arrested for Lying About Clown Sighting

Despite the best efforts of professional organizations the highly respectable vocation of clowning is not only held in low regard but has perhaps been permanently linked with psychotic criminality. Combine this with the fact that we seem to be nowhere near peak jester despite the heavy saturation that has occurred and it's a recipe for phony killer clown reports from below the Mason-Dixon line. It seems the best way to obtain both highly temporary southern celebrity and the interior of a jail cell is to cook up an apocryphal encounter with Homie the Killer Klown.

A North Carolina man who told police someone dressed as a clown had knocked on his window at night landed in jail on Friday after admitting he fabricated the story, the latest twist in a string of such reported sightings in recent weeks.

More creative than any movie, full of incredible twists and turns like "I just made it all up." I don't what exactly it says about a society when "clown sightings" becomes something that must be recorded and studied, but it's nothing good, that's for sure.

David Wayne Armstrong, 24, described to Winston-Salem police how he had chased the clown into nearby woods, but authorities said in a statement he had lied.

I think I liked it better when you were being levitated into flying saucers instead of opening up a can of whup-tush on Pennywise.

He was arrested on a charge of filing a false police report.

Yes, the sensationalist headline totally misrepresented the reason behind the arrest. Could journalism be somewhat untrustworthy? The answer is clearly "no" so I'm not sure what to think.

Reports of clown sightings in the state and neighboring South Carolina since late August have residents on edge and prompted more police patrols.

I mean, they might make balloon animals or throw a bucket full of confetti on you. Better call in the National Guard.

In most cases, investigators have found no one matching the varying descriptions of the clowns.

Yeah. Imagine that.

Creepy clowns are a fixture of pop culture and entertainment in the United States. 

This is why we're the best country in the world right now and the greatest in all of human history other than Neo-Sumeria.

"We’re still investigating to see what the actual purpose is, whether it’s for ill intent or if it’s a prank," said Officer Gilberto Franco, a Greenville police spokesman.

"Shutting down those drug houses will just have to wait."

I dun chased it into the woods.

A film distributor debunked speculation that the sightings were connected to the release of director Rob Zombie's new independent horror movie "31," which features a gang of sadistic clowns.  

And was also written by a bunch of sadistic clowns, haw haw.

But as of Friday, officers had not found the clown, who according to a statement was chased off by a man wielding a machete.

Whether the nightmare man with the finger knives participated in this remains unknown.

"We don't recommend that," Greensboro police spokeswoman Susan Danielsen said.

Stick with sensible clown counter-measures like shooting them with silver jewelry from a slingshot or chainsaws.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: People Under 30 Have Way Weaker Grips

Let's talk about grip, baby. Let's talk about the good things and the bad things. Or in this case, because it's Generation Nothing, it's going to be nothing but bad things. It turns out the younger set have hand strength that's no less than "way" weaker compared to their elders. How "way weaker" stacks up against other qualitative measure like "totally" and "buffo" is a mystery we will attempt to solve together as we delve into a nightmare cavern of flimsy handshakes and unopened jars.

If you get a weak handshake from a millennial, don’t blame him or her. It could be a generational thing.

"Ah, no one's blaming you, noodle arms. Your whole loser generation is like this." *spits chaw*

Researchers from the Winston-Salem State University in North Carolina found that men and women under 30 have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.

The more affordable version of Duke busts this scandal wide open. Back in '85 we were freakin' demigods, man. We crushed rocks all day, just to see the powdered ruins and think "Tonight I'll be snortin' lines."

Their work was published (paywall) in the Journal of Hand Therapy.

Sorry, if you want "hand therapy" at the end of your Oriental massage it will cost extra. But it's worth it, trust me.

The researchers asked almost 240 men and women under 30—most 20 to 24 years old—to exert as much force as they could on a hand dynamometer, which measures grip force in pounds.

This is the most righteous University study I've ever encountered. Win-Sal deserves all the federal money they want and then some.

On average, men’s hand strength decreased by 20 pounds, and women’s hand strength decreased by 10 pounds.

Behold, the wonders of the modern world.

The culprit? Probably a combination of increased technology use at home and at work, and less manual labor.

The other theory, namely "Nothin' wrong with you little punks that another Vietnam wouldn't fix" was removed from the final draft of the study.

Seriously, I have no idea where you guys come from.

It’s possible that looser grip strength could translate into a weaker handshake. That would be bad news for millennials, because handshakes have long been an important measure we use to size up someone we’ve just met. 

Better practice making yourself appear bigger and baring your fangs while howling, Jayden. Dominance ritual is how our world works, from the boardroom to the bedroom.

Better yet, follow these basic tips on delivering a good handshake—which it turns out is more about eye contact and sensitivity to the other’s cues than it is about massive grip strength.

It's not just about jack hammering that hand like you're tearing up sidewalk. You've got to be sensitive to the verbal and non-verbals cues, take your time, be intimate and realize that not ever handshake ends with total satisfaction for both parties.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Clay Aiken's Congressional Bid to Be Esquire Docuseries

We sure love our celebrities. The only thing we love more is seeing them at their absolute worst: strung out on goof balls, getting covered with substances that will be difficult to wash off, campaigning unsuccessfully for a sinecure position in North Caka-lack-ee, it's the shameful joy opiates that fill life with rich meaning. With that in mind it's probably not surprising that some cipher who enjoyed brief national attention over a decade ago is going to get a glorious four hours worth of heavily edited and manipulated immortality. Yes, it's time for "docuseries" chronicling the political wars of the Tarheel State and how some guy that used to sing in a way an opinionated British man found pleasing factored in.

The NBCUniversal-owned cable network announced late Tuesday — following Aiken's defeat in North Carolina — that camera crews have been documenting the American Idol alum's bid for a seat in the House.

Just when I'd somehow got myself down to just 13 hours of television per day this comes along and assures it's back to 14 for at least awhile longer. Sounds fascinating! And don't be surprised if we don't learn a few lessons before we're done!

The four-hour untitled docuseries, from Academy Award winner Simon Chinn (Searching for Sugar Man, Man on Wire) and Emmy winner Jonathan Chinn (American High), will premiere in the first quarter of 2015.

You'll still want to hear about this shaggy dog story from the 2014 mid-term elections two months from now, right?

Aiken, a gay Democrat and single dad, ran against incumbent Congresswoman Renee Ellmers in the predominantly Republican North Carolina 2nd District.

Before you write this off as an attention-seeking stunt with no legitimacy, did I mention he's also in favor of abortion and against gun ownership?

Via strategy meetings, debate prep, town halls, bus tours and door-to-door canvassing, the docuseries  will provide an intimate look at the hope of victory and, ultimately, the disappointment of defeat.

In all seriousness, I'd love to watch this worthless goof go door-to-door and explain to people that actually contribute to society why he should be allowed to rule over them. "I won a televised talent show, once! You remember that, right? Why are you reaching for that shotgun?"

"We were granted incredible access during the making of this documentary, and in turn were able to capture the internal workings of an American campaign — the good, the bad and the ugly," Simon Chinn said.

"You're going to be amazed by a sequence where he couldn't find the stage for a speech and kept walking around in circles while occasionally shouting 'Rock and Roll!' in between getting useless directions from a janitor."

Added Jonathan Chinn: "We’re thrilled to be partnering with Esquire Network, who are tackling topics that are not only popular and entertaining but also smart and thoughtful."

"We put some far-left ranting in that I know you'll find entertaining and thought-provoking!"

"Ultimately, this series is a raw and honest look at American politics through an incredibly unique and compelling candidate," said Esquire Network head of original programming Matt Hanna.

The banality of raw honesty.

A possible cover picture for next year's common core Civics textbooks.

The untitled series is produced by Lightbox's Jonathan Chinn, Simon Chinn and Mitchell Tanen.

The working title "I Love My Failed Gay Single Parent Democrat Campaign" was rejected as too clunky. "Feet of Clay," "Clay's Aching (To Represent You)" and "Nuke America" are the new front-runners, but no decision has been made as of this writing. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

"Aiken, a gay Democrat and single dad..." He isn't really even a single father since the boy's mother Jaymes Foster, who lives in California, has him full time. He's more of a sperm donor.

It's sickening that a perverted blivet like aiken is allowed to breed.

Who cares, move on assman.

More Hollyweird synthesis of Marxist politics and "entertainment."

Who would even watch such foolery ?

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Spirit Seeker by Jamie Haden

Title: Spirit Seeker #1

Series:  The Talisa Santiago Series.

Author: Jamie Haden

Genre: New Adult (Paranormal Romance)

Length: 269 pages

Release Date: September 2013

ISBN-13: 978-1492756842

Imprint: Libertine Press – GMTA Publishing

Available: Amazon, Barnes and Noble

Book Description:

Life is strange and difficult for the granddaughter of a shaman. Sixteen-year-old Talisa Santiago was born in the desert underneath the full moon in January-the wolf moon. However, she left the desert with her mother when she was a young girl. She remembers bits and pieces of her past but it isn't until she and her mom move to a remote barrier island off the coast of North Carolina that she feels fate has finally called-secretive and mysterious he stands alone on the edge of the bank.

Her friends tell her to stay away; she hears rumors that he is dangerous. Still, she can't resist. Whether Talisa realizes it or not, she knows a thing or two about boys like Jag Chavez. Fate is funny that way. For the first time in her life, Talisa meets kids just like her-Native Americans who know the ways of the spirit. The closer she gets to Jag, the more she realizes he is hiding a dark secret. He may have the markings of the Thunderbird, but he is named for the powerful Jaguar. Together they embark on a journey that will haunt her forever.

About the Author:

Jamie Leigh Haden is the author of Spirit Seeker, a young adult fantasy. Jamie lives and writes near the seashore in North Carolina. She has a Bachelor's degree in philosophy. Jamie is currently working on An Unimagined Life, the sequel to Illuminate-Alive, She Cried.

Connect with Jamie.

https://www.facebook.com/jamielhaden

https://twitter.com/sippingbythesea

http://jamiehaden.com/

Links to buy the book:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/spirit-seeker-jamie-haden/1105027193?ean=2940148776284

http://www.amazon.com/Spirit-Seeker-Talisa-Santiago-ebook/dp/B00FJ6O38K/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380640158&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=spirit+seeker+jamie+haden

Giveaways

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/dc01e01/

***

Author Interview  

Tell us about your current release.

Hi and thank you so much for having me today. My current release Spirit Seeker is about the life of sixteen-year old Talisa Santiago. Life is strange and difficult for the granddaughter of a shaman. Talisa was born in the desert underneath the full moon in January—the wolf moon. However, she left the desert with her mother when she was a young girl. She remembers bits and pieces of her past but it isn’t until she and her mom move to a remote barrier island off the coast of North Carolina that she feels fate has finally called—secretive and mysterious he stands alone on the edge of the bank. Her friends tell her to stay away; she hears rumors that he is dangerous. Still, she can’t resist. Whether Talisa realizes it or not, she knows a thing or two about boys like Jag Chavez. Fate is funny that way.

For the first time in her life, Talisa meets kids just like her—Native Americans who know the way of the spirit. The closer she gets to Jag, the more she realizes he is hiding a dark secret. He may have the markings of the Thunderbird, but he is named for the powerful Jaguar. Together they embark on a journey that will haunt her forever.

Tell us about your next release.

Secrets, communications with the spiritual worlds, dangerous desires, and deep-rooted beliefs are the back drop to Illuminate—Alive, she cried, the story of Native American shape-shifters.

Some say the concept of rebirth is simply a metaphor for living a better life, a holier life. For seventeen-year old Talisa Santiago, such a resurrection is anything but a metaphor. It is her reality.

Talisa knows she can communicate with the spiritual world. She is the granddaughter of a shaman and going between two different worldly dimensions is something she realizes she is destined to do. However, what she doesn’t count on is what fate has in store for her.

After surviving the first hurricane of the season on the island where she lives, Talisa learns that her life is in grave danger. She must leave immediately and retreat to live with a secretive clan of Indians on a remote reservation deep within the Great Smokey Mountains.

Her blood brothers, three shifters who have the desires of both man and animal surround her, promising everlasting friendship and protection. Now, Talisa will put her life in their hands, depart from her mother, and begin the journey of a lifetime. However, the majestic mountains hold many secrets and danger lurks in the night. There are evil tricksters everywhere that want her dead. As Talisa falls prey to the confusion of her own burgeoning sexuality, she unleashes an untamed passion that may get them all killed. Illuminate—Alive, she cried, is complete at 94,000 words.

Where do you dream of traveling to and why?

I would love to go back to Europe but this time with my daughters. The last time my husband and I traveled abroad, we were alone. We are planning to go back in the near future and take the girls to Italy, France, and of course, Spain. My husband would love a second home in The Netherlands.

Does travel play in the writing of your books?

Certainly, travel plays a large role in my books. Physically speaking, Talisa is from Mexico and travels to different bodies of water before moving to Silence a remote barrier Island off the coast of NC. However, the Spirit people in Spirit Seeker are all able to travel within, and journey into other worldly spiritual dimensions.

Has someone been instrumental in inspiring you as a writer?

Growing up my father was my greatest inspiration. Now, my daughters inspire me to write. I wrote Spirit Seeker for them.

What was one of the most surprising things you learned while writing your books?

I am really at peace when I at home.

Who are your books published with?

My novel Spirit Seeker is published with Pill Hill Press. My editor Jessy Marie Roberts is fantastic! It is really a dream come true to work with such amazing people.

What do you think makes a good story?

Honesty.

Tell us about your family.

I am a stay at home mom raising three young daughters. My little girls are my greatest inspiration. My husband David and I met in college when we were 18. We eloped when we finished graduate school and ran off to the The Great Smokey Mountains. We’ve been married now for 18 years. He is my best friend.

What book are you reading now?

I just started Jane Eyre on iBooks.

What songs are most played on your iPod?

Everything Bob Dylan.

What is your favorite meal?

I love pesto! My favorite is pesto salmon with pesto veggies and pesto bread. (My daughter’s secret recipe!) I could eat salmon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Second is Fried Green Tomatoes.

What are you passionate about these days?

Wine. My husband and I have a couple of cellars and we cave red wine. My favorite wine of all is Burgundy, Bordeaux, and Barolo.

What do you do to unwind and relax?

I love to hang around the pool with my family and enjoy good food and wine.

Do you have any suggestions for beginning writers? If so, what are they?

Read. Read. Read.

Do you have a milestone birthday coming up? If so, how are you approaching it?

Oh my, I am now in my forties. Forty three to be exact. However, I actually love my age, and feel the best that I have in years. I walk everyday with my husband and do lots of yoga and meditation.

Tell us about your favorite restaurant.

I know this sounds silly but my kitchen is my favorite place to eat. My husband is an amazing cook.

What makes you happy?

My daughters.

Say your publisher has offered to fly you anywhere in the world to do research on an upcoming book, where would you most likely want to go?

Italy, as long as my daughters could come, I’d go in a heartbeat.

Where are your fans most likely to find you hanging out?

In my backyard by the pool or at the beach.

Do you have a Website or Blog?

My website is http://www.jamiehaden.com/

Do you have anything specific that you want to say to your readers?

Thank you for hanging out with me today!

Spirit Seeker is now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

News You Can't Use: Scientists Finally Discover The Function of the Human Appendix

Science is never allowed to admit it doesn't know the answer. Make up highly improbably post hoc explanations, lie like crazy, or just declare that the function of an organ is "nothing." Then when you're proven wrong, take a comical visit to a "Creation Museum" until the heat dies down. Might be time to go look at that "Old Testament Dinosaurs" exhibit again, guys.

It has long been regarded as a potentially troublesome, redundant organ, but American researchers say they have discovered the true function of the appendix.

Any criticisms about the dearth of scientific achievement produced by Big Brother Canada can now cease. We figured out that an organ in the human body does things, instead of being an internal hood ornament.

The researchers say it acts as a safe house for good bacteria, which can be used to effectively reboot the gut following a bout of dysentery or cholera.

Great news for anyone planning to write a noir about the immune system. "I was still leaking from my shoulder when I hit the alley, but considering I blasted that virus right in the groceries with my own heater and left it bleeding out like a sieve on some filthy sidewalk I ain't complaining. Pathogen died hard, bawling like a animal. That's how you reboot the gut, haw haw. Gotta get to the safety of the appendix, wait there until the cholera stops dog-tailing me."

The conventional wisdom is that the small pouch protruding from the first part of the large intestine is redundant and many people have their appendix removed and appear none the worse for it.

The science of gaps.

"Shocker: Lindsay unable to reboot gut."

Scientists from the Duke University Medical Centre in North Carolina say following a severe bout of cholera or dysentery, which can purge the gut of bacteria essential for digestion, the reserve good bacteria emerge from the appendix to take up the role.

Nothing screams SCIENCE!!! like repeated references to the "gut." Perhaps the appendix also plays a role in "going with your gut" and so forth. I had it removed, destroying the male version of intuition, etc.

But Professor Bill Parker says the finding does not mean we should cling onto our appendices at all costs.

Forget you, professor. I'm going to keep bitterly clinging to my appendix, fearing the vibrant change out of ignorance.

“So it’s sort of a fun thing that we’ve found, but we don’t want it to cause any harm, we don’t want people to say, “oh, my appendix has a function”, so I’m not going to go to the doctor, I’m going to try to hang onto it.”

"I mean, I'm not some kind of monster. I'd feel a little bad if people started dying over this or something."

“As an idea it’s an attractive one, that perhaps it would be a nice place for these little bacteria to localise in, a little cul-de-sac away from everything else,” he said.

I like my immunological noir better than this guy's "Bridges of Immune System County."

“The thing is that if we observe what’s been happening through evolution, the higher on the evolutionary scale we are and the more omnivorous animals become, then the smaller and less important the appendix becomes and humans are a good example of that.

We now know it's a safe house for good bacteria and/or a special little tucked away community for them to share the rich pageant of life. We can stop with the lies.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

Melissa, don’t worry about GC. He’ll select himself out of the gene pool when he gets appendicitis and doesn’t get it removed.

And the media or someone taught ya’ll to have to say something negative about a scientist who is attempting to learn more?

That has nothing to do with her appendix, Rita.

LOL! you’re funny, like a child.

The next day, I felt worser


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.