News You Can't Use: Disney Worker Went on Booze-Fueled Rampage

Disney and its thousands of subsidiary holdings truly is the happiest place on earth. What could be better than taking your 2.5 children and government sanctioned life-partner to a heavily monetized theme park? Nothing, as long as you don't go on that one weird weekend or run afoul of an alcohol-fueled Brit whose behavior and general demeanor are a little different than what you'd see on "Downton Abby," replacing trite drama with wanton destruction and an incredibly foul mouth.

A Disney worker went on the rampage in his office and attacked two police officers after a booze-fuelled lunch break.

Nothing like a depressant to get you all riled up. Does it really count as a "rampage" if you never leave your office? Take that, monitor! See you in hell, replacement toner cartridges! On the other hand he attacked police, so there's that.

Owain Houston, 35, “exploded” and repeatedly shouted ‘F*** Disney’ after downing pints and shots in a nearby pub.

This is why you don't mix "pints" with the hard stuff while on your corporate headquarters approved unpaid lunch break.

He attacked colleagues and hurled computers around the call centre, causing £15,000-worth of damage.

The real life version of "Office Space" seems to be lacking in lighthearted humor.

Cardiff Crown Court heard he snapped after being asked to take a call for a colleague about the DisneyLife app.

Understandable.

He then entered some sort of rage whereby he has walked through the premises smashing up equipment.

You have been diagnosed with "Rage: Not Otherwise Specified." Suggest treatment includes sleeping it off and a cocktail of expensive psychiatric "meds" to take daily.

Houston, from the Coryton area of Cardiff, was fired on the spot and kicked out of the office.
 
If you were expecting a surprise ending I'm sorry.

Houston kicked a police van and then attacked the officers, swinging his arms like a windmill.

Don Quixote is never there when we really need him.

He was given a 12-month suspended jail term, ordered to perform 160 hours of unpaid work and told to pay £1,200 compensation.

You'll pay a small fraction of the damages and go wash dishes or whatever for a month. That should fix everything.

10% less soul-damaging than our previous film!

The DisneyLife app launched in the UK last year, allowing users to stream Disney films, TV shows, and music soundtracks. 

DisneyLife and chill, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: The Sad Future of Video Games

You have to keep sensible priorities in life. Eroding freedoms? Who cares. Endless doomed foreign wars that leave things worse than before we got involved? Blah, whatever. Corruption at the highest levels of government that has become so brazen they're not even bothering to conceal it anymore? Let me know if it ever comes out on Netflix, man. Messing with my video games? You realize, of course, this means war.

Yes, this makes sense. I can't be bothered that my neighbors became unpersons for speaking their minds or that we're funding terrorists in some country half a world away. What matters is keeping that electronic lotus eating device running and keeping it free and pure. Sadly, it appears we're losing this battle. Today in a very special episode of DotTeeVee (you might want to bring your whole family in to watch this one) we're going to glimpse at the depressing future of the murder simulator and then, because frankly this video is too short and lame for a whole entry, break down the always illuminating YouTube commentary.

Yes, I'm actually going to read and analyze comments on a one minute YouTube "vidyagame" whine. Abandon all hope, etc.

Before we can even get going I'm forced to watch an unskippable commercial. Please remember this, it will become important soon.

Music plays and we see the menu of an EA Sports game, i.e. panels everywhere that take up as much space as possible to give the illusion of lots of features. Is this what's wrong with the future of gaming?

No.

Just to get all your guesses out of the way it's also not the encroachment of politically correct censorship, "save often" replacing "become good" as the way to get through games, little kids calling you incorrectly used slurs in online play, load times, buying a glorified Beta that's full of bugs and requires multiple patches, the expectation that you'll want to be on-line all the time, the same three games being made over and over, the fact that EA sports releases are little more than roster updates protected by an illegal monopoly or the times when your friends sweat on the controller.

You mean "pucks," right?

There's an option to watch a video to earn pucks/coins which are presumably an in-game currency used to buy different colored skates or unlock the Eastern Conference or whatever. All you have to do is watch a video and you're that much closer to being allowed to play as the Washington Capitals without buying the right to do so for $9.99 on X-Box Live. What could possibly go wrong?

It's a commercial.

I really have to wonder what this guy was expecting to see. Hockey goons feeding each other the meat candy? The video for "Round and Round" by Ratt? Maybe in paradise that's what you'd get, but in this fallen world you're shown a goofy ad for Philadelphia Cheese Steaks where "Steak" and "Cheese" are said repeatedly while images of the same are shown. I love getting outraged as much as the next person, but it's hard to consider this a trick bag in light of the fact that it's an optional choice that was freely made, unlike, oh I don't know, having to sit through fifteen seconds of b.s. to see this guy's one minute video.  

Besides, you still get "coins" that you can use to unlock genderless romances in Career Mode, right? That's a shuck, too, apparently. You only get 200, which I guess isn't a lot. Let us all weep for the grim future of simulated hockey.

How will I afford the new elite set items for my Right Wing Power Forward?

That's the entire video. Yeah, really.

Komment Korner, Special Effort Edition  

There's a lot of comments discussing this modern masterpiece, of course, but we'll separate them into some broad categories to make this manageable.

The Totally Worthless 

Multiple claims of being "first," internet slang that was cool and exciting twenty years ago and assorted other statements completely bereft of even the slightest value. Yes, actual real human beings, debatable I know, provided this drivel. Sad future of video games, meet the sad future of humanity.

Lol

Lol

Wtf hahaha 😵😂😂

Lol

Ok then

 lol

First

Lmfao

LMFAO

1st 

1

Yes, all those el oh els are different people. Is it wrong to hope that President Putin "accidentally" bumps that big red button?

  You post garbage, Maverick. I like that.

The "What's the Big Deal" Opposition

What's more fun than being contrary just because you can? Well, lots of things, but when your life is a vast wasteland of watching other people play games on YouTube you take your pleasure where you can get it.

Dont really see the big deal here Johnny

I enjoy the commercial, i really do actually. And i'll take any source of coins.

Wow u cry about that lol 

How many coins did you expect?

You dont have to watch genius...

The Optimists 

Glass half FULL, am I right? For these people, it definitely is and they want to share that positivity with all their nameless and faceless friends in cyberspace!

I went to that Blues game that happened that day.i loved it the best my first game

Don't hate EA! They're people after all and they need money just like everyone else does! They have to feed their families! Don't you have any decency left Johnny?!?!

at least the ad was entertaining....i guess

haters are gonna hate. take a lesson from T. Swift. just shake them off. 

alright sir, I love the beard by the way

Dunno. As long as it keeps video games at 60 bucks.

Like Rain On Your Wedding Day

I wasn't the only one to notice a certain irony.

Them putting ads in the game makes them more money, just like you making this bs effortless video makes you more money

ironically, i had to sit thru an unskippable ad to watch this

Sad future of 2BC: making half-assed minute long videos that looked to made in Windows Movie Maker that would serve better as a tweet just for the views.

This has to be the most pointless video. Everybody knows about the ads. Yet you decide to make a video about it for what? A few extra bucks in your pocket?

They're the Angry Video Game Nerds   

Now we're talking! Let's get into the proper spirit and rage against the dying of the light. 

dude honestly fuck EA, they also patched selling fut coins in fifa 15 by adding a minimum and maximum selling price for players, so u cant for example put a bronze player into sale for 2mil. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY, once again FUCK EA

Those scum-sucking bottom-feeding bastards over at EA would do anything for a quick buck. 

More commercials on next gen than actual game modes... a sad future indeed

growth of capitalism + upcoming generation of entitled shitbrains = no funwtf was that for a free EA coins advertisement?!?!?!?!?!?!

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

And the sad part is i had one of those cheese steaks today, there not even that good. 

Open Mic Night

Don't you love to laugh? Sure you do, you braying imbecile. Here's some humor attempts of wildly varying quality for your consideration.

I want a steak and cheese panini now.

This made me want a sandwich

The sad future of video games*    * = If all you play are shitty sports games... 

EA starts to press the lemon a little bit too much 

That face doe 

Digression! Digression!  

Let's wrap it up with some comments that have absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this video. Come on bro, make some "Civ" videos instead of this!

CIVVVVVVVV

What is sad I you can't upload a mother fucking halo

Where is the new Arizona coyotes be a gm mode video 

I dunno if its worst then waiting 3 weeks for a civ video.

Johnny in your gm mode you should for the rest of the year put lou morris as cap because if this is the last year with the coyotes you will never see lou be the cap for your team

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Twistaplot #18 Calling Outer Space

I'm inadvertently falling into lame "themes" with these and I promise I'll try to stop it before I completely wallow in the "it's Labor Day, here's a book about Labor Day!" pigsty. Last time we were promised desert adventure in a balloon but were instead murdered by big-ear aliens for the crime of being insufficiently helpful. This time it's probably going to be more close encounters of variety number 3 with another Twistaplot book. Yes, the series that is basically a book version of that person who says "I'm so sarcastic and random!" and then wonders why they're also nearly universally despised is back again. At least one of these has to be decent, right? Right?

You know, let's just do this shit.

 Alternate Title: Billy Makes Homemade Acid

Like any truly great story we begin with a nerd feud. "Fred," of the Computer Club, disrespected me and my radio telescope at the science fair, making dated references to forgotten eighties movies and basically implying that I'm a flying saucer nut. Whatever Fred, we all know the real future is in sending radio waves into space, even though the closest areas that might have intelligent life would take years to get the signal and more years to respond, and not in so-called "computers" which have flash in the pan written all over them. 

Don't mock my radio telescope. Bad things happen to people that do that.

Undaunted by being made the object of fun in front of the local pre-teen scientific community I get the radio up and running, apparently not understanding the vastness of space and so on. A few hours later I think there's a reply. It's thumping. Apparently the shockingly close unearthly intelligence is into "beats." 

Space be droppin' phat bass, yo.

I fiddle with the dials to try to improve the signal. First I think I'm getting an unintelligible voice, like maybe one of those EMPs of my dead gram-cracker telling me to stop wasting the gift of life on radio telescopes. Then I'm all "this is just space noise." It's so disappointing I begin to question my credentials as an "astronomer" and am ready to quit. Rather than allow the agency to make a choice, which is pretty much the whole gimmick of these books, I have to flip a coin. You're pushing me, Twistaplot, you're really pushing me toward that edge. 

Heads you decide to go alligator hunting with a crazy old man...

My lucky Maryland quarter comes up "Maryland" and I go back to sleep. I awake to "moans" but since I'm told my parents are at an "antique show" it isn't that, you pervert. Instead a cylinder has crashed through the roof of my house and a "bird-like creature" is asking for help with the same voice from last night! Man, the wild adventures this is gonna kick off! This is going to be so totally radical!

Then the story ends on the next page.

It turns out the visitor isn't actually hurt, which is probably lucky because I'm about to deploy some of my patented worst aid. Instead "help" is the only word it knows. I love how creatures that someone master the nearly impossible feat of long distance space travel are always totally inept and slow to adapt to novel situations. Next thing I know, he's falling down the stairs, bouncing off objects and acting like the Serbian E.T. knockoff that didn't quite capture the heart and wonder of the original. The story ends with an attempt to call the "rescue ship" although I'm not told if it was successful. It just ends there. 

Ugh.

We invented faster-than-light travel, when not falling flat on our faces.

I honestly remember this series being better. I always fall back on the "well, it was just one play-through excuse," but there comes a point where that just seems lame. I had to flip a coin to make a choice. Unless little Billy the scientist is also the Creature of Havoc that b.s. gets no love. 0 for 3, Twistaplot. 

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.