News You Can't Use: Tom Brady on NFL Ratings: I Don't Follow the NFL Like I Used To

Primetime television ratings for the NFL declined by nearly 10% on average last season, after declining the previous season as well.

Extremely rich and completely awful human beings might be slightly less rich as a result. Concerned?

The dip prompted a national debate over the causes: bad games; too many games; Trump’s angry tweets; outrage over players kneeling in protest; domestic violence scandals; or too many injuries.

There were so many games, they were all bad, our President was on Twitter, everyone is hurt...time to turn off the electronic toilet.

On Tuesday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, arguably the biggest current active star in the sport, gave his take when asked by interviewer Jim Gray at the Milken Institute.

I guess we could have talked to some of the fans that tuned out, but Brady has this really cool mansion and we got to hang out in it.

“There’s so much for us to consume, as we all know,” Brady said. “There’s so much happening… I hate to say it: I don’t follow it like I used to, because, so many other things to follow."

I nominate "There's so much to consume" as America's new national motto.

There’s a lot more competition today than there’s ever been, I think, especially with social media, for people to consume information or to consume content.

This sentence doesn't make much sense, but consider all the buzzwords and pandering to current fads.

The NFL has had a great product, people love watching the game. I think it’s still doing better than every other program out there. But compared to a time when there was less things to do, it doesn’t live up to those standards.

I mean, Americans are so active now. Everyone's exercising, exploring nature, reading books, spending time with their children. I'm not serious, of course.

Of course, Brady has been at the center of a number of NFL public issues over the last few seasons, first for his role in “Deflategate,” the league’s investigation into whether Brady had Patriots employees remove air from footballs for him, and then for his public friendship with Donald Trump, who railed against NFL team owners last season for allowing players like Colin Kaepernick to kneel in protest during the national anthem.

Being friends with a mainstream politician who got elected to the highest office in the land is now a "public issue."

For Brady to say that he personally follows the rest of the NFL less than he used to is sure to grab attention—perhaps especially at league headquarters, where Commissioner Roger Goodell and other execs are eager to quash any notion that interest in pro football is on the decline.

Please ignore the objective statistical data that clearly shows this decline.

You might think the NFL won’t be pleased to hear one of its biggest stars say he follows his own sports less than in the past. On the other hand, Brady’s comment blames the ratings dip on a phenomenon that is hurting all live sports, rather than blaming the NFL itself.

Tom Brady isn't watching the basketball either.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Police Probe Alleged Raiders Player’s Taunting Of K-9

Are you ready for some football? Hopefully not, because what you're getting is another story of banal criminality from an American hand-bladder player. It turns out that some amount of dog taunting may have occurred and before you dismiss this as not that big a deal let me remind you that the NFL's record toward our furry friends is not the greatest, from an endless string of pitifully bad Cleveland Brown dawg pound teams to that bit of unpleasantness with the kennels that bring bad news to the refusal to allow Air Bud to become a cross-sport superstar because of a rules technicality.

Police are investigating the alleged taunting of a police K-9 by a member of the Oakland Raiders at Heinz Field Sunday afternoon.

It's the sort of unbelievably complicated and nuanced case that requires great scrutiny. Was he really taunting? Let's go under that hood for an official's time out and try to determine it while home viewers are pummeled with another volley of sickening commercialism.

According to police, the incident happened as the Raiders were taking the field for their matchup with the Steelers.

Just commit crimes, baby.

We were immediately notified about the incident, and we immediately initiated a criminal investigation into the matter. Sheriff’s Office supervisors interviewed witnesses and reviewed video surveillance recordings at Heinz Field.

We must determine if the taunting broke the plane of the five yard "halo" around the hero-animal.

Sources tell our Rich Walsh that the player has been identified as linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong. 

Whether we can call him Ray, or we can call him Ray, or we can call him Ray-Ray remains unknown as of this writing.

Sources say Armstrong lifted up his shirt, beat his chest, and started barking and yelling at the K-9 before the start of the game. The dog had to be restrained.

Somehow that full-ride scholarship to an alleged university failed to instill basic civility or a reluctance to reenact scenes from "The Good Son."

Taunting a police K-9 is a felony in Pennsylvania. 

Bear-bothering remains a misdemeanor unless the bruin in question is currently trying to hibernate.

"I can't believe I looked up to a guy that messes with animals. I think I'll go back to law school."

The Oakland Raiders and Armstrong have been made aware of the situation. 

Are you even aware, bro? As it turns out, yes.

Don't bother with the ad-riddled source: http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2015/11/10/police-probe-alleged-raiders-players-taunting-of-k-9-at-heinz-field/

Komment Korner   

I can hear John Madden say something like "I really like this kid, Ray-Ray. He's quick. He's tough. My kinda player. Here comes now. And look, he's got a dog chas'en him!

What the police are doing is humanizing an animal.

That's why I'm a baseball fan.

Taunting, number 57 of the defense, 15 year maximum, FIRST DOWN!!!

Hey, Ray-Ray leave that dog alone.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Tim Tebow Breaks Up Fight At Practice

It's almost time for football and the exciting elevator incidents, butt destruction, balls with insufficient air (or too much!) and the general malfunction we've come to expect from the drug-free role models that pretend to be from our city for a few weeks in the fall. But wait, there is a tiny minority of American Eggball players that aren't total and complete human garbage! What about that guy who prays or whatever, am I right? Can we have more stories about Johnny Whatshisname or whatever it is, please? People love it, and the inability to master the fundamentals of the Quarterback position means nothing in the face of positivity and the big money in ad revenue it brings.

Leave it to Tim Tebow to play peacemaker!

On tonight's episode of "Leave it to Tebow."

"Ward, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Tebow?"

"No, June. He turned around a derelict team and made a clutch play that won a playoff game, we have to make a concentrated effort to drive him out of football forever."

"But honey, now they have horrific videos of players running amok."

"Maybe you're right dear. He can play third string somewhere."

Tebow broke up a fight during the first of three consecutive days of joint practices between the Eagles and Ravens.

Wait, what? I think we're missing the real story here in our rush to point to the fact that not all behavior from NFL players involves violent sociopathy. These two bitter rivals are practicing together? Sharing their secret tactics? For three whole days? Man, gridiron is dead to me. I'm tossing out my "Go Green, Beat Other Shade of Green" shirt, it doesn't mean anything in light of this shocking revelation.

According to multiple reports, there was a small clash between some of the Ravens and Eagles backups on Wednesday. 

Please ignore the fact that we use the same words to describe wars in the Middle East where thousands die.

However, that ended quickly when Tebow came to the rescue.

We need more eyeballs looking at our poorly designed and ad-riddled web page so: Tebow, Tebow, TEBOW, TEBOW!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneone

He's got a great chance to be assistant clipboard holder.

Tebow and the Eagles host the Ravens on Saturday night during a preseason clash.  

I guess then they'll pretend to hate each other and ignore the fact that they've been working together, just like in Professional Wrestling. 

Do not visit the ad-riddled source. http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2015/08/19/tim-tebow-breaks-up-fight-at-practice/

Komment Korner   

Did he use the jawbone of an ass or was Gino Smith not there?

I wish more people were like this guy.

STOP BLAMING OTHERS BECASE YOU CHOSE TO LICK SH!T COVERED PEENUS

The NFL has turned into nothing more than a bunch of thugs!

I'd have more faith in him negotiating a treaty with Iran than Kerry.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Video Game Slush Pile: Super Play Action Football

Believe it or not there was a time when the yearly football release wasn't a numbered roster update with maybe one new and totally unwanted feature plus a slew of terrible new music. The year is 1992 and "You gots dat Madden?" has absolutely no meaning unless the person in question is referring to old Super Eight tapes of Oakland Raider games or something. Instead, the fun and accessible arcade gameplay of the Tecmo Bowl series was giving way to dull attempts to accurately simulate American Egg Ball, eventually paving the way for a dreary illegal monopoly to dominate the computerized gridiron. When Super Play Action Football came out, of course, that was still a distant nightmarish vision, as we all assumed that this Nintendo release, complete with Mario cameos and everything, was clearly the future of playing Joe Montana make-believe. How wrong we were became clear when we actually played this thing.

You are the Center!!!

Let's just come right out with this: the gameplay is worse than getting syphilis from a married woman. Everything moves like you're watching a slow motion replay or perhaps a slightly smoother new generation version of electronic football. The players chug along at a snail's pace, like they're up to their waist in wet mud. A simple running play can stretch on forever. Tackling is bizarre in that there's no sense at all of fighting to bring down the ball carrier. He either immediately goes down as if shot, or casually swats aside three hundred pound defenders with a "stiff arm" that looks like a slow (naturally) version of the windshield wiper dance.

So. Very. Slow.

Then you pass the ball and it rockets down the field to your plodding receiver, who you must awkwardly position on an "X" that marks the spot. The under-inflated pigskin is generally thrown right where the wide-out currently is, without any lead. Suffice it to say, interceptions are common for the computer. When your on defense defending a pass takes excellent timing and jumping at the wrong moment (pretty much the only way to deflect the ball) leads to huge gains.

Football's best rivalry comes to your Mario Box!

It's too bad the play control is so atrocious, since this an ambitious title for it's time. There's three modes, High School, College and Professional, which represent level of complexity rather than difficulty (there's two setting for that). Ironically, High School is probably the hardest, since you can't jump to defend passes and as such are almost completely helpless against them. On the other hand you get to choose your school's name and colors and do the same for your rival, an almost unheard of amount of customization. You don't even have to go online to do it!

College let's you choose from what I'm guessing is nearly ever Division 1A team, although there is no NCAA license. This isn't a problem when you're talking about "Wisconsin," "State of Michigan," or even Texas Lubbock," but becomes more of a problem when you want to play as "Windy Belts," "Moldy Moss," or "Pale." Sadly, Pale's Vine Division rival Starboard is not selectable. After choosing your school and accepting the goofy lawsuit preventing name (if necessary) you can pick an eleven game schedule. If the goal is realism you'll probably want to schedule eight of those games in your unmarked conference, but there's nothing stopping you from loading up on cupcakes (the manual even provides such a sample schedule for your convenience!). 

Speaking of the manual, there's actually two that come with the game. One is your standard "how to play" fare that also includes some nice background on the NCAA and NFL which is a nice feature that should have stuck around. The other is a complete playbook, breaking down all the plays. This rules. Contrast this to today's "online manuals" that are three electronic pages long and basically worthless. But hey, we saved a few trees!  

Better than the creation mode in Madden. Seriously.

Each week in Season Mode comes with a wacky headline and a Top 20 or NFL Standings. It's minimalist, but I kind of like it. Speaking of NFL, it plays a lot like the college game but with more plays, audibles and the ability to substitute players. Sorry, no names, but who isn't excited about the chance to control #9 or #23? The NFL season ends with the Super Bowl, while College lets you choose which Bowl invitation to accept, sure to please anyone who ever dreamed of Violet Bowl glory.

There's a few cut-scenes during the game, most notably replays on a big screen surrounded by human units of varying levels of ridiculousness. There's a ten second half time show, a stats screen and a talking referee  that pushes the non-blast processing to its absolute limits. Overall, it's a slick well-produced package on top of a bad game. Today we've evolved to an ad-ridden, unimpressive production on top of a serviceable game once you mess with sliders for several hours. This is progress.

These football guys are cah-ray-zee!!!

Graphics: We get one nice "mode seven" (it's SNES and therefore mandatory) effect where the ball is thrown right at you and caught at the last moment by disembodied hands. Other than that, not a lot of amazing 16 Bit goodness here. All the players look exactly identical, distinguished only by their uniforms. The ball is a polygonal mess.

Controls: The isometric angle takes a lot of getting use to and it's always a struggle. Your running backs run a twenty second forty. Passing is an exercise in frustration, with no passing icons for your players. A lot of the plays are basically worthless. I ended up relying on the same two or three plays, over and over. I could win like that, but it was a joyless experience.

Depth: The only thing this game got right, but man did it get it right. The full college experience, create your own High School, NFL season, massive playbooks, audibles, a spin move that always fails...it's all here. You've got to wonder what could have been if all this good stuff was attached to a worthy game. Instead this one is the answer to trivia questions.   

 Big opening!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: It Ain't Worth It

Today we're going to revisit two things I'd rather not: the funky fresh early nineties and the "sex = death" movement that was popular back then. Forgive any bitterness that sneaks into this recap, but I was in high school at the time and let's just say I already had the whole "don't have sexual intercourse" thing on lock down without any help from taxpayer dollars, professional athletes and rap songs by Rob Bass wannabes. I'm not saying things would necessarily have been better if this climate hadn't existed, but there's no romantic drought so bad that it can't be made worse by endless "even touching a penis could kill you!" propaganda.

But enough about that. Let's throw on some parachute pants, snap on some ill shades, grab a round ball and hit the court with NBA 2001 Sportsmanship Award winner David Robinson and a bunch of extras we hired! Let's hoop it up! This is much better than receiving oral sex.

All is not well, however. Young ladies who resemble back-up dancers from a Tone Loc video are threatening to kill the healthy, non-sexual good times by literally giving the "come on over" gesture to one of the non-David Robinson players. Instead of recoiling away from the horrific prospect of kissing or God only knows what else with an attractive woman, as any decent, moral young man would, he actually seems into it. It ain't worth it, man.

This results in a ball bouncing off his head. I don't claim to be an expert on the rules of second story hockey, but I'm almost certain this is a Bad Thing. If only this guy was on a soccer team, he'd probably be the hero. Instead the pride of the United States Naval Academy takes umbrage. In a funny detail I notice that's he at least a foot taller than any of the other players. Made next time you should pass it to the nearly seven foot NBA player instead of a skinny, nondescript white teen who isn't even paying attention. Honestly, what the hell?

This is the eighties and I'm down with the ladies.

The man who was once the softest player on a team that also featured Tim Duncan isn't happy. He lays it out: play ball or women, choose wisely. The obvious correct choice is playing "shirts and skins" with a creepy overly tall guy that used to be a "seaman" and making constant bodily contact with other men while dripping sweat and gasping for breath.

Incredibly, the other option is selected. Your funeral, dude. Really. I bet this video ends with his teammates tucking the basketball into this guy's casket after Super AIDS kills him dead. In any case our doomed anti-hero declares he's "down with the honies" which is already hilarious enough without the actor delivering the line resembling a younger, whiter Larry Bird. 

Mr. Robinson makes a face of equal parts disgust and disbelief. He'd rather feel the touch of a woman than hang out with a guy who won a silver medal in the 1987 Pan-Am Games. What's up with that? 

This is the nineties and wanting sex is evil and disgusting.

 

We get a funky beat and meet two more ladies, but don't get any ideas because these are good girls, not like the horrific succubi that seduce dorky men at pick-up basketball games and then steal their precious bodily fluids. Their definition of safe sex? "No sex!" Those are definitely two words I've gotten used to hearing together.

Hey look! It's NBA journeyman A.C. Green! No, it doesn't stand for "Air Conditioning" or even "Anti-Cuddling" which would be apropos here. In fact, it stands for nothing at all. His first (and middle?) name is just letters. Neat. He calls sex the "S" word, which I'm pretty sure is a title already held by "shit." Speaking of which, he promises "fun" and a "slamming" music video. He's wearing a shirt that says "no" which I'm assuming is the correct response to offers of S word #2 and not a reference to "Say No to Drugs!" another well-conceived and highly successful program going on at the same time.

He also won a personal battle with chronic hiccups. No kidding.

Another young lady discusses the dynamics of popularity and how the Adult Act figures in. There's a common belief that the two are linked and "only the cool people are having sex." I guess she's never heard of "band camp." We get an awkward summation with "if you have to follow everyone else and have sex, then who's the outcast?" Excuse me, what? Honestly, it's like a zen koan. I've spent about an hour trying to figure out what, if anything, it means. You're not the outcast, because you're going along. Everyone else is who you're following, so it isn't them, either. Who is left? Maybe A.C. Green or something? I don't know. One hand clapping, tree falling in the woods. 

With my head hurting from trying to parse a statement that defied conventional western logical tradition I'm more than a little relieved to see David Robinson again. This time, he's telling us to think before we act, which is good advice. He then equates sharing an intimate act with someone you care deeply about to "pain and death." 

It's now time for footage from the slamming music video! I'm really not equipped to review this, other than to say the rapping calls to mind an alternate dimension version of Young M.C. who is all about teaching us not to bust a move. The song rhymes "sex" with "latex" and generally hammers home the central message of "just don't do it" that you might have missed the first twenty times. One particular highlight is the return of the "down with the honies" guy and the honies alluded to in that line, now obviously reformed and spared from the horrific deaths that seemed their inescapable fate. 

He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Robinson.

It's NFL running back legend Barry Sanders! He's holding a basketball for some reason. I guess they blew most of the budget on that slamming video and there wasn't enough left over for a football. He has absolutely nothing original to say, but I guess was included for the benefit of the one kid who was all "I'm not letting sissy NBA guys tell me not to do the Wild Thing!" who then was forced to revise this position after hearing from the only good player the Detroit Lions have had in the last thirty years.

One last reminder that sex will kill you from Barry, and we're done.

Komment Korner  

 I sure miss the days of watching basketball star Barry Sanders doing slam dunks for the Detroit Lions

 

 I'm through with this video, I'm down with the honies

why didnt they get wilt chamberlain or magic johnson?

I wonder if A.C Green is still a virgin

It Ain't Worth It!


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.