Video Game Slush Pile: Super Play Action Football

Believe it or not there was a time when the yearly football release wasn't a numbered roster update with maybe one new and totally unwanted feature plus a slew of terrible new music. The year is 1992 and "You gots dat Madden?" has absolutely no meaning unless the person in question is referring to old Super Eight tapes of Oakland Raider games or something. Instead, the fun and accessible arcade gameplay of the Tecmo Bowl series was giving way to dull attempts to accurately simulate American Egg Ball, eventually paving the way for a dreary illegal monopoly to dominate the computerized gridiron. When Super Play Action Football came out, of course, that was still a distant nightmarish vision, as we all assumed that this Nintendo release, complete with Mario cameos and everything, was clearly the future of playing Joe Montana make-believe. How wrong we were became clear when we actually played this thing.

You are the Center!!!

Let's just come right out with this: the gameplay is worse than getting syphilis from a married woman. Everything moves like you're watching a slow motion replay or perhaps a slightly smoother new generation version of electronic football. The players chug along at a snail's pace, like they're up to their waist in wet mud. A simple running play can stretch on forever. Tackling is bizarre in that there's no sense at all of fighting to bring down the ball carrier. He either immediately goes down as if shot, or casually swats aside three hundred pound defenders with a "stiff arm" that looks like a slow (naturally) version of the windshield wiper dance.

So. Very. Slow.

Then you pass the ball and it rockets down the field to your plodding receiver, who you must awkwardly position on an "X" that marks the spot. The under-inflated pigskin is generally thrown right where the wide-out currently is, without any lead. Suffice it to say, interceptions are common for the computer. When your on defense defending a pass takes excellent timing and jumping at the wrong moment (pretty much the only way to deflect the ball) leads to huge gains.

Football's best rivalry comes to your Mario Box!

It's too bad the play control is so atrocious, since this an ambitious title for it's time. There's three modes, High School, College and Professional, which represent level of complexity rather than difficulty (there's two setting for that). Ironically, High School is probably the hardest, since you can't jump to defend passes and as such are almost completely helpless against them. On the other hand you get to choose your school's name and colors and do the same for your rival, an almost unheard of amount of customization. You don't even have to go online to do it!

College let's you choose from what I'm guessing is nearly ever Division 1A team, although there is no NCAA license. This isn't a problem when you're talking about "Wisconsin," "State of Michigan," or even Texas Lubbock," but becomes more of a problem when you want to play as "Windy Belts," "Moldy Moss," or "Pale." Sadly, Pale's Vine Division rival Starboard is not selectable. After choosing your school and accepting the goofy lawsuit preventing name (if necessary) you can pick an eleven game schedule. If the goal is realism you'll probably want to schedule eight of those games in your unmarked conference, but there's nothing stopping you from loading up on cupcakes (the manual even provides such a sample schedule for your convenience!). 

Speaking of the manual, there's actually two that come with the game. One is your standard "how to play" fare that also includes some nice background on the NCAA and NFL which is a nice feature that should have stuck around. The other is a complete playbook, breaking down all the plays. This rules. Contrast this to today's "online manuals" that are three electronic pages long and basically worthless. But hey, we saved a few trees!  

Better than the creation mode in Madden. Seriously.

Each week in Season Mode comes with a wacky headline and a Top 20 or NFL Standings. It's minimalist, but I kind of like it. Speaking of NFL, it plays a lot like the college game but with more plays, audibles and the ability to substitute players. Sorry, no names, but who isn't excited about the chance to control #9 or #23? The NFL season ends with the Super Bowl, while College lets you choose which Bowl invitation to accept, sure to please anyone who ever dreamed of Violet Bowl glory.

There's a few cut-scenes during the game, most notably replays on a big screen surrounded by human units of varying levels of ridiculousness. There's a ten second half time show, a stats screen and a talking referee  that pushes the non-blast processing to its absolute limits. Overall, it's a slick well-produced package on top of a bad game. Today we've evolved to an ad-ridden, unimpressive production on top of a serviceable game once you mess with sliders for several hours. This is progress.

These football guys are cah-ray-zee!!!

Graphics: We get one nice "mode seven" (it's SNES and therefore mandatory) effect where the ball is thrown right at you and caught at the last moment by disembodied hands. Other than that, not a lot of amazing 16 Bit goodness here. All the players look exactly identical, distinguished only by their uniforms. The ball is a polygonal mess.

Controls: The isometric angle takes a lot of getting use to and it's always a struggle. Your running backs run a twenty second forty. Passing is an exercise in frustration, with no passing icons for your players. A lot of the plays are basically worthless. I ended up relying on the same two or three plays, over and over. I could win like that, but it was a joyless experience.

Depth: The only thing this game got right, but man did it get it right. The full college experience, create your own High School, NFL season, massive playbooks, audibles, a spin move that always fails...it's all here. You've got to wonder what could have been if all this good stuff was attached to a worthy game. Instead this one is the answer to trivia questions.   

 Big opening!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: YouTube League of American Football

Are you ready for some football? And by that, I mean are you ready to passively watch others play it while you pour brewed pollution into your misshapen maw? Of course you are. What could be better than a sport that features lots of monetized downtime, an endless and largely meaningless season and a fully supported Dungeons and Dragon-style "fantasy" element where instead of controlling your character you just pick random steroid monsters and use your hoping powers to make them perform? Incredibly, there is one thing that is better. Short, bizarre football videos fresh from the electronic oven!

Our first video is thirty seconds worth of footage from an NIU vs. Iowa college football game that features no live ball-in-play footage whatsoever. I know, I'm excited too, but we have to get under control and get through this. While one of the players jogs in a seemingly random direction the announcer, the real star of this video, declares that the pass "wanted to be caught." It wanted it so bad. It was practically begging for that sweet, sweet embrace of a successful completion. You're not gonna see a pass more fully compliant and prepared for The Act of Catching than that one. Not in a million years.

You're probably wondering if you can use your shoulder to catch a football. The answer is no, even if the ball in question wants it so bad it's practically throbbing as it arcs its way toward the edges of your body. We get a shot of a crowd doing some sort of clapping motion that would be rejected by most dictators as an impractical "loyalty hand gesture." We have elbows, guys, let's use 'em.

Later on the game that will determine that best college football team ever: Akron vs. Toledo.

We discuss the evolutionary and/or special creation aspects of catching an irregularly shaped object while a replay of that whole "it wanted it, but I gave the shoulder" incident is shown. Our natural tendency, the end result of millions of years of natural selection, mutation, ancient alien biological experimentation and/or the direct will of a personal deity is to use our body to catch a ball, which sounds like a good idea until you notice the we have these things called "hands" that can actually grab on to things, including a hypothetical object hurled at us in a sporting competition of some kind.

The announcer continues to sing the praises of the human hand and it's hard to disagree with him. Unlike that do-nothing shoulder it can "caress." Yup, already back to the oddly sexual language. Meanwhile, literally nothing is happening on the field. Well, all right, a guy named "Andy" is warming up to kick the ball. I can see how this sport got to be so popular.

Then we get the entire reason this thing got posted, as the other announcers says "that's kind of gay." We're talking about caressing balls, wise guy. I don't see what part of that is gay, I really don't. Meanwhile, the kick returner makes the sign of the cross for some reason, adding to the surreal nature of two grown men explaining what the hand is and then veering into homo-erotica for no good reason.

Andy's gonna kick it! After another three minute commercial break, that is.

The video ends without the ball being punted, if you care.

Komment Korner  

In his defense, it was kinda gay.  

LMAO @ the long, awkward pause after. You know he's thinking "Welp...I'm getting fired."

"honey the gays made me lose my job" 

You know what else rules? Penalties. Everything about them is geared for maximum righteousness, from the selective way they are called, the little yellow napkins and the memorable calls they produce...like in our next video! 

It's another college game, as if the 37-0 score wasn't enough of a giveaway. "You got to like all those Maryland linebackers." Yes, you do. You have no choice in the matter. Win the battle over yourself and learn to love the Maryland linebackers.

We actually get to see a play in progress! It's a sweep left for a moderate gain. Time to give myself another point or two on the "fantasy" ledger, where my "team" consists of all the Maryland linebackers, Andy Dittbenner, a High Elf fighter/magic user and maybe Peyton Manning if he's still available in round ten.

But wait! There's a penalty! More milling around ensues, naturally. We kill some time talking about the massive human cost of this spectacle, specifically ten injured players. Yeah, even something as innocent as running full speed into huge men can apparently end badly.

  "Trying to saw the opponent's hand off, five yard penalty..."

The zebra explains that #69 was "giving him the business" provoking much hardly laughter and a "I didn't do nothing!" posture from the guilty player. The announcer declares it the "quote of the year." Forget "ask not what your country can do for you" or even "you didn't build that." This is the real sparkling gem of conversation brilliance. Giving him the business. Yeah.

Making things worse, we're then told there would be a lot of flags if "giving the business" was really a violation of the social contract expected of these fine sportsmen. "We can't even give you a verbal interpretation of it." Sometimes you have to just acknowledge the singular beauty of the moment in silence.

Komment Korner   

 
Quote of the year? Quote of the century

HOW IN THE WORLD IS THIS NOT THE TOP VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?? wow this is hilarious

Can anybody explain it to me? My English is not soo good and I don´t watch football^.^

Try to catch the ball with your shoulders, give some guy the business, that's fine. But you never go "full retard." Except in this next video, apparently. This is from a series called "C'mon Man" which airs in between "What's the Haps" and "Hold Up, Darnell." 

Florida is playing Florida State. The play unfolds while the individual that has decided to fully embody an intelligence quotient of 70 or less stays in his stance, motionless. I guess this is what they call "taking a play off."

 Officials suspect "freeze ray" abuse.

The "C'mon Man" commentators wrap it up emphatically, if somewhat predictably, by saying their catch phrase. We may never know if the man in question actually "came on" or not, but I like to pretend that he did. 

Komment Korner 

Yes I agree. Well you be at the gay parade, and later therapy, to discuss how we were sodomized as kids? I'd love to hear your story! 

First of all, its not wrong or unacceptable. Its wrong AND unacceptable if you use it to describe a mentally slow person. It's a noun. You can use it to describe stupidity. Where stupidity is defined as doing stupid stuff.

lag

maybe his bitch was like "if you don't move on a play, I'll give you some pussy".

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.