News You Can't Use: Cops Hunt For Chrome-Domed Rogaine Bandit

The heartbreak of male pattern baldness, let alone the "chrome dome," is truly one of nature's cruelest pranks, right up there with a nose that never stops growing and uncontrollable falling down syndrome. It's arguably forgivable, then, that mid-life crisis cases are addicted to extremely flammable hair growth miracle cures, ranging from semi-legitimate transplant efforts to "hair in a can" spray paint solutions. Still, we live in a land of laws, and trying to restore your lost youth in a vanity-themed effort to stave off death's grim specter must be done legally. We either have a country of law-abiding baldies or we don't. Treat you scalp, but do it the right way. I love the Rogaine, I love the Rogaine.

Michigan police are seeking the public’s assistance in apprehending a bald Rogaine thief. 

The problem with this manhunt is he'll use the product, immediately regrow a full head of thick, luxurious and glorious hair and the above description will be worthless. 

According to cops, the suspect last week swiped seven boxes of the hair regrowth product from a CVS pharmacy in Dearborn.

Next week we'll try to catch the empty pants thief who swiped seven crates of magic penis enlargement pills.

The chrome-domed culprit then placed the Rogaine in a shopping bag, exited the store, and drove away in an “older model Chevrolet,” police report.

Looks like the "restoring the classics" guy from those Hair Club ads has finally crossed over to the dark side.

As seen above, the suspect--wearing an “Air Force Dad” t-shirt--was recorded by CVS surveillance cameras as he entered the store on June 22.

We can only hope the tragic baldness that directly led to crime wasn't caused by our military "accidentally" exposing this guy to nerve gas or whatever.

Dearborn police suspect the perp will again try to steal Rogaine since “12–14 months of consistent use is needed to see results.”

Expect to see two or three new hairs in four to six years, if you're lucky. I think we know who the real crooks are, man.

Life is hard, then this happens, then you die.

Chief Ronald Haddad noted that, “While this is not the most hair-raising crime, we must protect our retailers as these crimes drive up the retail costs for honest consumers."  

This sort of hairy situation, full of bald-faced lies, can only end with the criminal shedding his freedom.

The suspect, cops say, is a black male between the ages of 30 and 40. He was wearing blue jean shorts at the time of the Rogaine heist.

Suspect was not wearing a hat and had no visible prosthetic limbs. 

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Ready To Pay $6 For A Gallon Of Milk?

Milk is for babies. When you're a man, you drink beer. This, along with "lift heavy and take a multi" forms the crux of my life philosophy, so maybe I'm not well suited to cover today's useless news item. Then again, that particular issue hasn't stopped me so far, so let's discuss milk futures, Uncle Sucker and shooting rockets into a country that none of our elected officials could locate on a map. Yes, those concepts actually are intimately related.

How much would you pay for a gallon for milk?

Wait, don't answer yet! With each order we'll also throw in an attractive plastic container! Yes, you don't even need to bring your own jug, unlike with plastic bags! 

Ken Nobis is with the Michigan Milk Producers Association and notes that Congress has its plate full of very pressing issues and fears the Farm Bill may be on the back burner.

Who could provide a more unbiased opinion on farm legislation than someone from the Milk Producers Association?

He says without congressional action – an old law would kick in – and you could end up paying a lot more.

Unless we make new laws the old, bad laws will come back! And yet there's a few cranks that worry about big government. Clearly we must keep steadily churning out new legislation to keep the lid on.

“Probably, talking in the neighborhood of $5-6 a gallon for milk,” said Nobis. “The consequences are consumers aren’t going to buy the product at that cost.”

"It's this crazy thing called the 'free market' I read about in a book published in 1892."

There have been disagreements over food stamp funding tied to the measure.

Is there a better idea than combining different ill-conceived measures? It's like in the classic cartoon "Transformers" when all those cool cars would jump together to form one huge robot. That was awesome and radical, so clearly we should try to make that happen with every aspect of the human experience.

This is how a bill becomes a law, kids.

“Syria, they’ve got the budget, they’ve got many other issues to address,” Nobis told WWJ’s Beth Fisher.

Illegal foreign war, printing worthless currency...we've got bigger fish to fry.

Ready To See Tons of Annoying Ads at the Original Source?

Komment Korner

Don't worry everyone. The government will give us free milk if we can't afford it. Obamacow will be there for you!

It's not like oil, keep pushing and people will just start buying their own cows.

Wow. What a BRILLIANT IDEA! Let's just tell everyone to Stop Eating Dairy!! OMG!! YOU SOLVED IT!! **SNAFUBAR FOR PRESIDENT!!**

While few believe it or will accept it, the same folks that took control of our monetary system in 1913 with the passage of the treasonous Federal Reserve Act, the Rothchilds, the Bank of England, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan etc etc, have gotten wealthy beyond imagination to the point where they own over 60% controlling interest in every single fortune 500 company on earth today, and they've bought and paid for not only our entire Federal government, which now acts as their agents, but also a near majority of State governments and a near majority of sovereign nation governments world-wide as well. And they're using this enormous wealth to literally change the world to their own agendas and schemes, wars for profit and regional geographic control of natural resources, starvation and disease, a total police state, and elimination of basic human rights, aka the New World Order, aka world economic slavery and oppression. And while few believe it or will accept it, there has been a concerted effort which began over 50 years ago to eliminate the family farm and poison the healthy products offered by the American farm with Monsanto GM franken-foods, manufactured food with chemical poisons as additives, milk and dairy products purposely poisoned by deliberate corporate farming methods of introducing chemicals never meant for ingestion by humans, fast-food manufactured using questionable secret ingredients, inventing futures trading markets with the intent of depressing profits for the farmer, all the while supporting corporate interests with the bizarre subsidy schemes controlling production and profit. Skyrocketing cancer and other disease rates due to contamination of our food supply will only increase as their plan, U.N. Agenda 21, becomes reality and the planned suffering and death results in massive human population reduction. Basically our entire food supply system has been purposely compromised. You don't think they're harassing the farmers selling raw milk, one of the few healthy products left, for no reason do you?

Milk is bad for your health anyways.


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.