News You Can't Use: Cops Hunt For Chrome-Domed Rogaine Bandit

The heartbreak of male pattern baldness, let alone the "chrome dome," is truly one of nature's cruelest pranks, right up there with a nose that never stops growing and uncontrollable falling down syndrome. It's arguably forgivable, then, that mid-life crisis cases are addicted to extremely flammable hair growth miracle cures, ranging from semi-legitimate transplant efforts to "hair in a can" spray paint solutions. Still, we live in a land of laws, and trying to restore your lost youth in a vanity-themed effort to stave off death's grim specter must be done legally. We either have a country of law-abiding baldies or we don't. Treat you scalp, but do it the right way. I love the Rogaine, I love the Rogaine.

Michigan police are seeking the public’s assistance in apprehending a bald Rogaine thief. 

The problem with this manhunt is he'll use the product, immediately regrow a full head of thick, luxurious and glorious hair and the above description will be worthless. 

According to cops, the suspect last week swiped seven boxes of the hair regrowth product from a CVS pharmacy in Dearborn.

Next week we'll try to catch the empty pants thief who swiped seven crates of magic penis enlargement pills.

The chrome-domed culprit then placed the Rogaine in a shopping bag, exited the store, and drove away in an “older model Chevrolet,” police report.

Looks like the "restoring the classics" guy from those Hair Club ads has finally crossed over to the dark side.

As seen above, the suspect--wearing an “Air Force Dad” t-shirt--was recorded by CVS surveillance cameras as he entered the store on June 22.

We can only hope the tragic baldness that directly led to crime wasn't caused by our military "accidentally" exposing this guy to nerve gas or whatever.

Dearborn police suspect the perp will again try to steal Rogaine since “12–14 months of consistent use is needed to see results.”

Expect to see two or three new hairs in four to six years, if you're lucky. I think we know who the real crooks are, man.

Life is hard, then this happens, then you die.

Chief Ronald Haddad noted that, “While this is not the most hair-raising crime, we must protect our retailers as these crimes drive up the retail costs for honest consumers."  

This sort of hairy situation, full of bald-faced lies, can only end with the criminal shedding his freedom.

The suspect, cops say, is a black male between the ages of 30 and 40. He was wearing blue jean shorts at the time of the Rogaine heist.

Suspect was not wearing a hat and had no visible prosthetic limbs. 

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Parrots Flying High on Drugs are Annoying Farmers

This is one of those headlines where there's probably nothing I can say that will either add to or detract from the level of ridiculous. Honestly, are we talking "Polly want a crack rock" and how that is somehow proving annoying to the tillers of the soil? There's even some horrible puns about "flying high." Let's just dig in.

Parrots flying high on drugs are annoying farmers by plundering their poppy fields to feed their opium addiction.

Brightly colored flying junkies bother farmers growing the deadly crop, no doubt with the intention of using it for rope or muffins. It's the Alfred Hitchcock re-imagining with extreme modern sensibilities (and idiocy). Birds 2: One More Fix.

The drug-addicted birds sit perched in wait until the morphine-rich area is exposed by workers slitting open the flowers' pods to help them ripen.

It's rare to see humans being completely out-smarted by animals with a brain the size of a large walnut in any venue that isn't a Loony Tunes cartoon, but get used to it, this article has plenty of this.

The parrots then swoop down in silence into the opium fields - having learned not to squawk - and frantically nibble off the stalks below the pod before they are spotted. 

The wise, wise men growing the arm candy, meanwhile, have learned nothing.

Video shows them retreating to high branches where they gorge on the plants leaving them sleeping for hours - and even falling to their death.

Just don't do it.

Farmers now claim they are getting warnings from the Government's narcotics department - which controls opium farming - over their reduced yields.

"We need more narcotics" says highly legitimate third world government.

Sobharam Rathod, an opium farmer from Neemach, India, estimates parrots are stealing around ten per cent of his crop and he has been given a warning.

The exciting new frontier of "dog ate my homework."

"Like we keep an eye on them, but they also keep an eye on us."

I tried my awesome unkind glance power, but somehow they retaliated.

In 2015 drug raiding parrots were reported in Chittorgarh in the state of Rajasthan.

You know, the popular vacation hot-spot of Rajasthan.

According to farmers, drugged birds have become easy target for their predators thanks to their dopey state.

And yet there's still plenty of fine feathered addicts, somehow.

Farmers have tried bursting firecrackers, beating tin drums and hurling stones to keep the birds away - but to no avail.

I tried everything: drum solos, whipping M-80s, you name it.

Another farmer in Neemach added: "It is difficult to control these parrots. "We have to spend hours in our fields to shoo them away."

We were soundly defeated, but not for a lack of moronic and doomed counter-measures.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Should Cancer patients not get relief from their pain?

you sound like an addict  

have they tried chasing them with drones? or model planes that look like hawks?

Now if they could find a stool pigeon to rat them out....well then. 

WHERE?  I FIND NO LOCATION FOR STORY.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Dell Users Get Claws Out Over Laptops that Stink of Cat Pee

Technology and that stank: they've got more in common than you might expect. I will now write the rest of this pointless introductory paragraph in the same awful punny style as the above headline. There's a new CAT-astrophe with a product that's far from PURR-fect. Consumers are hissing. Will it be fixed or end up in capitalism's litter box?

Owners of a certain model of Dell laptop have been subjected to very unpleasant “cat urine” odours emanating from their new machines.

Dude, you're getting something that smells like cat piss! Awesome!

The powerful odour is “not at all health hazard” and seems to have been caused by a “manufacturing process that has now been changed,” according to SteveB, a senior technical consultant for Dell posting on the company’s support forums.

Now that a guy that doesn't even have a last name has spoken I am completely satisfied. It's not like your average Dell user would have a thriving social life anyway, so just accept the fact you're carrying around a low quality product that calls to mind an emission from a feline bladder.

Dell was first made aware of the issue in June 2013 when a Dell user called “three west” first posted about the smell of a new Dell Latitude E6430u saying “the machine is great, but it smells as if it was assembled near a tomcat's litter box. It is truly awful! It seems to be coming from the keyboard”

"SteveB" seems downright legitimate compared to our code-named whistle blower. Are there any adults left in America?

Additional Halloween-themed joke: "We've traced the smell...it's coming from inside your keyboard...get out of there!"

Dell first suggested cleaning the keyboard and air vents around the laptop to cure the smell, but as more and more users complained of the same stench being emitted from the laptop from different countries and regions, it soon became clear that it wasn’t users to blame but the actual laptop.

When ignoring/marginalizing the problem failed, they were forced to actually do something.

Also I could clearly tell that wasn't my own foulness. That's a mix of rotten cheese, spilled beer and some vomitus. No kitty wee-wee though, no sir.

Dude, I've got something to cover up that odor.

“Well .. here I am Sunday doing some work on the couch and my wife says ,"What stinks like cat pee?". I said ... I think its this laptop ... she puts her nose up to the keyboard and BAM! It really stinks,” said gambit29.

What really happened: "I just woke up after sleeping for three days, finally took off my completely soiled X-Men pajamas and realized that only reduced the cloud of vile stench that follows me everywhere somewhat. There was no woman, of course."

The smell was narrowed down to an issue with manufacturing, which was apparently resolved in October, meaning that new machines running off the production line were cured of the cat-pee smell.

The new models randomly detonate, but we're still blaming that on the users and won't admit the error for another few months.

Unfortunately, not all of Dell’s replacement machines were free from odour as one user complained: “I just received my 5th replacement 6430u yesterday and the smell is still there”

I feel a song coming on...

 
Red Bull bottles and brand new Dells
Monitor you're in my way
There's too much manufacturing process issues and too much excuses
Look what's going on inside the keyboard

Ooh, that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, that smell
The smell of cat piss surrounds you

“If you order an E6430u now, it will not have the issue,” SteveB added.

Please keep wasting your money on our inferior products.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I've smelt that smell a bit on some electronics too. Thought it was my imagination.

It's PC gone mad.

No way. It might lure a tom or two into your garden seeking to scare off what smells like sexual competition.

Did they buy the laptop from the CATalog?

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.