Ordinarily this is a somewhat frivolous endeavor, chronicling amusing but largely unimportant topics like sovereign citizens battling police tyranny, human resource betrayal and why watching someone else remotely play a video game represents a major step forward in the field of time homicide. Not so today, as what we're about to experience is truly time capsule material, the kind of thing that defines an era and a generation, a "where were you" type moment that will be seared into your cortex like an "X" into the buttocks of a freshly lassoed bullock. We've got our next president and our next refreshing generation coming together and yes, there will be dubstep.
This panel of Republican hopefuls continues to the right for another four hundred feet.
We hit the ground running with footage from the first Republican debate, back when there were about seventy candidates each vying for a chance to lose in the general election and also this guy from reality television who probably will fizzle out any moment now, unlike this legion of Mitt Romney impersonators. Like any good video we open with narration from some public domain nature film, the sort of thing that might be on your TeeVee when you start doing the wild thing during the late show and the channel changer gets trapped beneath the love-making and flicks its way into the high 800s.
The New York businessman, golf course owner and right-wing extremist gestures broadly as the narration compares him to a certain kind of centipede noted for its alacrity and ability to inject poison into other, lesser, venomous vermin. Maybe not the heroic comparison I would have gone for, but on the other hand who wouldn't vote for someone capable of injecting paralyzing venom into the enemies of our freedoms?
Hope and change.
Scary music plays as the camera closes is on the Main Man and it's time to begin the stumpings. Dubstep plays as Rand Paul gets his lunch eaten by the 133rd richest man in the world. Money falls from the sky as a reporter gets the deportation treatment, a shopped in sniper rifle blasts the Univision employee and I realize that I've finally discovered something created by a person under the age of 30 that can be completely enjoyed, without any of the usual reservations. A quick Rosie O'Donnell diss and it's time for a title card. Let's go.
There's some CNN graphics for the second debate, while simulated narcotic use it also presented, I guess as some sort of ironic counterpoint. I'm getting "baked" but watching something that's nominally "serious." That's some solid commentary on our system, right there.
There you go again.
Donald Trump introduces himself and describes his achievements and if it wasn't for another "raining money" effect it would be almost like a conventional political commercial, free of drug abuse, killer centipede references and catchy electronic dance music. No thanks, in other words. Fortunately, it's right back to bagging on Rand Paul and his low poll numbers. The Kentucky Senator who is often asked "Are you really still running for President?" offers a feeble counter, complaining about attacks on his appearance. Naturally this leads to height jokes and the old "I never attacked him, but easily could," feigned moral high ground. Rand Paul, officially stumped.
"I ain't votin' for no manlet!"
The narrator informs us it's now "Jeb Cuck Time" as if there was a single viewer who didn't know, and offers a chance to drop seventy-five Washingtons on the Jeb Guaca Bowl. Something tells me the person or persons behind this video prefer a very different kind of bowl. This somehow segues into a discussion of wealthy donors and how it impacts our political system and how the other Bush kid wouldn't let Trump open a casino in Florida, a charge the hotel owner denies. Both men then argue over this hypothetical gambling venture as if it were a key issue, culminating with some Grand Theft Auto graphics.
Less than 5% in the polls, Game Over.
Despite this crushing victory, it's right back to more bickering and interruptions. The big payoff this time is Jeb gets called out on finally showing some energy, cue air horn, nuclear fall-out countdown, the sniper rifle and more "centipede" themed South London club music. Could these outrageous effects have made the Democrat debate watchable? Well, no, but the fact that I even considered the possibility is a testimony to the greatness unspooling itself here in "cuck time."
One final argument between Jeb and Trump reaches a critical moment when Florida Bush offers The Don a chance to apologize for some of his more controversial statements. If you can't predict the outcome of this offer you obviously weren't following the Presidential race this summer, possibly hitting a beach or being with loved ones or some other waste of time. Naturally, as the video puts it, the brother of W is "Blown the [fudge] out."
Believe it or not, there's more. A wild shill has appeared, complete with Pokemon music. Yes, it's that Jeb Bush staffer here to call out our next President on his failure to be a "Friend to woman (sic)." Already stumped by basic grammar, not looking good. It's hard to believe but this goofy nonsense was national news for a short while, before being tossed on the same pile as Trump is gonna give amnesty, someone said a racial slur at a Trump event, the hair might not be real, here's a made-up quote where Trump insults the American voter and all the other non-events that have slid off the teflon surface of a man who is, by the way, great on women's health.
Speaking of which, Trump mentions that he's great on women's health and also really good at getting tenses right when delivering spoken English. Our young lady plant isn't done though, demanding the same pay and the ability to control the body or something. Repeating these tired talking points earns some half-hearted "wooing" from the crowd and it looks bad for our hero. A song about "spooky skeletons" helps really emphasize the gravitas of the situation.
"You're gonna make the same if you do as good a job." Air horn, gun, oh my [fudging] God, dubstep, etc. I don't know what else I can say. Imagine the best possible orgasm, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it.
Drug references, hashtags and gun violence, a potent combination.
We end with a possible Illuminati sighting and some Disney music, but by this point I was lying face down on the floor with a smile carved into my face that might need to be sand-blasted off.
Komment Korner
If I included all of the stumpings, the video would probably end up pushing the 15+ minute mark.
Yo im about to vote for Trump because of this.
Strong man who will work with Wladimir Putin to keep safe the world.
Literally the greatest man to ever live.
are you suggesting he cannot be stumped?
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
