News You Can't Use: Young Driver Gets Help From YouTube

Arguably the best aspect of today's story is how the headline suggests we're going to get an inspiring tale of a dorky sixteen year-old who conquered his awkwardness and learned how to drive with a little help from the magic of the information network. Instead of this sort of eighties sex comedy hi-jinks, the actual story is about an eight-year-old driven mad by a craving for pink slime from the local burger box who then drove a car. It's wacky and funny because no one died! This time.

An 8-year-old East Palestine boy used YouTube videos to learn how to drive his father’s van to McDonald’s on Sunday.

HELLO EVERYBODY!!! MY NAME IS SUPERKITTEN854849 and today we're going to continue our "let's drive" game with a VAN! Please like and subscribe. Here's some links for donations. Be sure to share this video. If you already liked and subscribed, please create several new accounts and like and subscribe with those. I'm now on Patreon. Be sure to follow me on Twitter. All right, time to put this thing in drive. We'll just shift to do that...and hit that Dee! Get it? That's a joke! Did you donate yet? The red subscribe button, go ahead and click it.

East Palestine Patrolman Jacob Koehler responded to the restaurant that evening after the police department received reports from several people who witnessed the boy driving the van effortlessly through the downtown area.

"Effortlessly." As opposed to when I drive, with veins popping out of my forehead, sweating like Sean Spicer after saying something moronic about basic 20th Century history, using ample sailor talk and generally struggling just to maintain.

Koehler said that according to reports from witnesses Matt Stanley, David and Rachel Crowe and Lindsey Balmenti, the boy obeyed all traffic laws, stopping properly at red lights and waited for traffic to pass before making the left turn into the McDonald’s parking lot.

Clearly we should lower the driving age to eight, because a lot of adults don't follow these basic rules and like, society, man, besides [awkward reference to the movie "Idiocracy goes here].

When he pulled up to the drive-through window after ordering a cheeseburger he had been craving and intended to pay for using money he gathered from his piggy bank, the McDonald’s workers at first thought they were being pranked.

I was worried my deep personal dignity as a burger-flipper was under attack by outside forces.

“I think there is a good teaching point here. With the way technology is anymore kids will learn how to do anything and everything. This kid learned how to drive on YouTube. He probably looked it up for five minutes and then said it was time to go,” he added.

Yeah. That's almost certainly the correct lesson to take away and not something about "absentee parents" or "our dying country."

“He didn’t hit a single thing on the way there. It was unreal,” he said.
 
Speaking of not hitting a single thing, how about that local baseball team, haw haw.

He also said that he was able to get the keys to his father’s locked van by standing up on his tip-toes to get to where they were hanging.

Yet another miracle! How does he do it? Totally unreal, dudemar.

The boy, in tears when he realized he had done something wrong, told Koehler he just really wanted a cheeseburger.

Also I'm not on drugs, I'm just thinking.

Koehler said it was not a case of neglect — the boy and his sister had already eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner that day, but he still really wanted that cheeseburger.

We can all agree this is some of the best parenting ever displayed outside of a "Home Alone" film.

The children were picked up by their parents at the station and no charges were filed.

We're overworked as it is. *eats doughnut, falls asleep*

Full Article. 

Komment Korner 


I hope his dad whupped him for not going to Wendy's.  

The kid later said he was almost finished watching a video series on open heart surgery. We'll see what happens next.

and this is news why?????

Emergency update to Youtube vid... " do not use drive through services if you are a toddler or young child driver."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: 2 Ran Drug Operation Through NH Burger

How about a story highlighting the unbelievably banal adventures of the world's dumbest criminals? Honestly, this one is amazing, featuring human units who were able to parlay a fast food job ($15 an hour, make it happen socialism!) into time behind bars via attempting to provide a product that can cure all diseases and makes excellent rope, only to run afoul of the law, so-called. An effort to turn a Burger King into the Netherlands version, or at least what I would imagine because I didn't go to a Burger King there, ends in predictable disaster. There's probably some sort of lesson in all this, but you're really bringing me down, man.

Police said they managed to bag a pair of street-level drug dealers using a local fast food drive through to sell marijuana.

I'm sure you feel a lot safer now and rightly so.

Epping Police Chief Mike Wallace said Thursday that Raymond residents Garrett Norris, 20, and Meagan Dearborn, 19, were arrested Saturday after police were tipped off to the drug operation using the Burger King restaurant drive-through window.

Time for some of that "free college" for generation nothing. Or at least you can pretend it's college, I'm sure there's a library or whatever in the prison.

"We obtained enough evidence that pointed to the employee, Norris, was selling marijuana though the drive-through. It was substantiated with the with sting operation. We went in later that evening and arrested him and the shift manager," said Wallace.

This arrest cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, but at least the Devil Plant has been temporarily inconvenienced.

Wallace said buyers would arrive at the restaurant and ask for "Nasty Boy." "Once it was verified he was working they had to ask for their fries extra crispy." Money was exchanged at the drive-through window.

I feel a song coming on.
 
Gimme a beat!

Sittin' in the drive-thru line, thinkin' nasty thoughts, huh
Better be crispy fries or you turn me off, huh
That's right,
a-let me exchange money

Nasty Nasty boys, don't mean a thing, huh
Oh you nasty boys
Nasty Nasty boys, don't ever change, huh
Oh you nasty boys!

The drugs were not put with any food ordered but were sold in a separate container.

That Big King made you hallucinate because the mystery sauce (what could it possibly be???) had turned rancid, not because it had Satan's hair in it.

We always heard rumors that employees were selling illicit drugs through some fast food restaurants. It was never substantiated until Saturday night."

Sherlock Holmes versus the Evil Professor this ain't.

Police say the operation did not involve the franchise owners and was restricted to the two employees arrested.

No one who isn't poor will be punished, don't worry.

Norris was charged with possession of a controlled drug with intent to distribute. Dearborn was charged with conspiracy to distribute a controlled drug. She also faces charges of unlawful possession of alcohol.

My life can't get any worse, I'm working in fast food. Wrong.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I just spit my oatmeal

Money from a national , big name business, is usually the goal

There is still no Amendment to US Constitution making any drug illegal.

I love how the cops assume she was part of it

What a Whopper of a story!

The actual food they sell causes people to actually get sick and die

Well they do say, "Have it your way."




Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Lost in America

News You Can't Use: Florida John Offered Salad In Return For Sex

The economy is bad, just ask any story written on the subject since about 2006. Despite this truism, there are still people of vision in the world, people who attempt to win friends with salad. And by "friends" I mean a very good friend for the next ten to fifteen minutes who will then vanish forever. Yes, it's time for more wacky antics from the same "Florida Johns" that cost Al Gore the presidency and provide South Beach eye-ipecac.

Meet Alonzo Liverman.

Sounds like the subtitle for a proposed "Pretty Woman 2" sequel that was promptly shouted down in favor of another "sexy White collar criminal" film.

Short on cash, the 29-year-old Floridian allegedly offered to provide a salad to a prostitute in exchange for oral sex, according to cops.

We in the "industry" call this the "dinner and a show." Well, a rabbit dinner, anyway.

Liverman was arrested Monday morning during a reverse sting that netted nine other men for soliciting a prostitute.

I don't see what exactly makes this sting one of the "reverse" variety. Wouldn't a reverse sting try to entrap with criminal activity but instead of punishing anyone reward those who said "no" with government gimmes for their high moral character? That really doesn't sound so far-fetched these days.

The hookers in question were actually undercover Daytona Beach Police Department officers.

This is why you're supposed to be all "I gots a salad here. You ain't no cop, bay-bee?" instead of just the first part.

While negotiating a liaison with a female officer, Liverman--who was “operating a bicycle”--revealed that he did not have any money.

When you're using a ten-speed bike to try to pick up girls "broke as a joke" is probably a safe assumption.

“I’ll give you a blow job for a salad,” the cop declared.

This might be the greatest single line of literature ever penned in human history. We can all go retire, there's no topping this.

The document does not detail the location of Liverman’s salad (or its street value).

The "I got these cheeseburgers" guy from "Menace 2 Society" finally finds someone he can look down on.

Liverman was busted because he and the cop “agreed upon the sexual act in exchange for food,” investigators reported.

Not sure how this is different from this thing we call "dating."

It won't help you "do the Clinton" either.

Liverman was sentenced to two days in jail and fined $500.

The "reverse sting" cost the city $50,000.

Full Story.

Komment Korner 

Actually, it was her idea

cops are scum

He should have offered to take her to Dunkin Donuts. Then everyone would have gone home happy.

By offering the salad he was in essence saying "Lettuce Alone"

Maybe he should try offering a Big Mac next time.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.