DotTeeVee: X ARM - Rick Vardell vs Bond Laupua

If you unironically enjoyed the movie "Over the Top," think that metal cage in the corner of your gym is the "curl rack," derive pleasure from human misery and enjoy people at a table punching each other have I got the exciting new (from 2014, sorry) pseudo-sport to satisfy all your gun show and blood lust needs. It's X Arm, created by "The Godfather of the UFC" who wisely got out of that business by selling it for some glass beads at a point in time when that probably seemed like a good deal for him. One can't mourn over lost millions forever, instead we've got a new sport that's even better (not a truthful statement)! It might sound like a generic underarm product, but it's much, much more.

  I'll take the guy not currently being throat-punched.

The man that guided the Ultimate Fighting Championship when it had about a dozen loyal fans (I would know, I was one of them) at least seems cheerful and upbeat about his new, doomed venture. He tells "Gary" that we're going to see a combination of "hardcore arm-wrestling, kickboxing and jiu-jitsu. Well, that or two anthropological curiosities happy slapping each other while a table gets in the way, but let's take our time and allow this video to unfold like the beautiful flower that it is.

Also there's a ten thousand dollar first prize, or as the UFC would call it "The amount of money we spent on doors during the Rampage Jackson season of our television show."

Let's meet the fighters! Rick Vardell is highly decorated in arm wrestling! He's big! Unfortunately, we're doing the "hardcore" version, so I'm not sure if the skills will translate. Meanwhile his opponent Bond Laupua has a kickboxing background and a bit of an attitude. He calls his hulking opponent a "marshmallow" and promises to "melt him." Meanwhile the man running the risk of being the central ingredient in a S'more isn't afraid of being hit and feels being strong might give an edge in a test of strength. 

We also introduce an aspiring actress, but she promptly goes away, further adding to the already surreal and dreamlike qualities of the proceedings.

The defending champion.

Now the formal introductions, full of useful information like the fact that Bond is actually the heavier man, despite what was implied earlier. Yeah, the introduction video was somewhat misleading. Next you'll tell me those early UFC tomato cans weren't really 88-0 in bare knuckle challenge matches. Also, Vardell is 46 years old. Never has the phrase "Too old for this shit" been more appropriate.

Both competitors are wearing colorful outfits that call to mind a re-imagining of the Power Rangers as giant, doughy middle-agers with attitude. We run down some rules and I'm glad the tradition of endless talk while waiting for fights is still alive and well here. Pin the arm, knock the guy out, decision, the usual stuff. Time to make "becoming an X Arm judge" my new and best life ambition.

 Please approach this comedy club table and prepare for glory.

Art Davie thinks Vardell has the edge, what with his "big arm." This quality analysis wisely ignores the fact our prohibitive favorite is doing a goofy dance during the interminable preparation phase for some reason. The modern gladiators are harnessed together and this is starting to look more like something the NEA would fund than the death fight we were promised. Unconventional desires notwithstanding, it's time to tape the hands together with duct tape, which we are told can hold together anything. Airplanes, for example. Talk about a missed sponsorship opportunity. Maybe this guy isn't as good at business as his impressive track record would suggest.

Also the referee is Cal Worsham, one of the competitors in an extreme no-rules cage fighting match that was described as "all I saw was swingin'." 

The bell is gone and the human game of chess quickly breaks down into awkward brawling. It's nothing but big hands as they're feeding each other the meat candy! I don't know about this, we're forgetting it's supposed to be about the Sport of Cheaters, not table boxing. Vardell gets the worst of it and is "almost defenseless!" leaning away where he can't be reached to survive. Yes, adding harnesses and a table makes the "kickboxing" better, of course it would.

"He's thrown his game plan out!" Everyone has a plan for pinning the back of your hand against a flat surface while taped and harnessed together, until they get hit.

Youth might give you an advantage in Stockton Slap competitions, but don't underestimate the experience and cunning of age, as Vardell jumps up on the table and attempts to put Lapua in a straight arm-lock. Unfortunately, a red flag is thrown, because you're not a real sport unless officials are throwing snot rags or whatever. That's the end of that bit of excitement, thank goodness. Let's get back to the awkward striking.

Despite the penalty, it's another arm-bar attempt, immediately. I mean, they can't call it illegal every time you do it, can they? Time is now the enemy, however, as only ten seconds remain. Sure enough, Bond is saved by the bell.

 Welcome to a Brazilian nightclub.

The announcers heap praise on the "underdog," who despite being younger and heavier was somehow able to lay heavy leather on his grizzled opponent. Vardell's face is starting to look like uncooked meat, so we're clearly not playin' up in hee-ah. It may have been a 10-8 round, but no explanation on the flag from Art, sadly. I created this sport and I don't know what the rules are. 

Round Two! More unanswered punches from Lapua! And it's already over! Call me crazy, but that round seemed much, much shorter. Oh well, probably time compression caused by the Maslowian peak experience I'm having viewing this incredible "sport." 

Vardell is starting to look like he went through the windshield in a car crash, but there's one round left and anything can still happen!

Final round! Our heroes play to the crowd and then we get a scene reminiscent of "Rocky" (why not bring in another Stallone film, right?) as the older and more badly hurt contender mounts a valorous comeback in the eleventh hour. He's coming on strong with looping punches! This is the most inspiring thing I've ever witnessed! He's gonna do it! 

Then it ends and the other guy wins.

After the match the loser vows to "come back some day," maybe when he's in his fifties, and X Arm is an international billion dollar property. This is clearly the sport of the future and you've still got a big part to play in it. I can't wait!

Komment Korner  

this is the dumbest shit ive ever seen.

Most cringe-tastic thing I've ever seen in my life. Thank you, now I'll need a truck or two of mind bleach.

OMG, I am literally blown away, and in another way...offended, at how dumb this is. This is offensively dumb. It's so dumb, that it hurts my feelings.

even if you win, your still a loser

Here I was, thinking chess-boxing was the most idiotic thing mankind could possibly come up with.

...??!!!..Organised BARfights...  Rounds...???.... nice...!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: College Hockey Line Brawl Fight: Ferris State at Minnesota State 1/18/14

Let me tell you an apocryphal story. Some guy asked me if I was going to watch the "Big Game" this weekend. My response, of course, was "Yes, I'm definitely going to watch the early afternoon regular season hockey game. Thank you for asking." I'm told there's some sort of Katy Perry devil show and/or thirty second corporate mind-washing video competition, but I'll probably pass. When you're a hockey fan and you sometimes struggle with the appeal of American Egg Ball, it happens. I've got my loyalties, mixed up and sad as they are. Does this mean I'd also watch College Hockey? Well, no, obviously not. Until now. And what better jumping off point to a world where "Ferris State" and "National Champion" can be said in the same sentence free from negative qualifiers or sarcastic negation than the night the exciting world of all against all ice wars finally made its way into the otherwise insomnia-curing college game.

We start off with a "draw" and the puck finds a way, as it generally does. Ferris State is taking on Minnesota State in a game with major championship implications. The hired killers from Big Rapids, Michigan are currently ranked #3 in the nation, but trail 4-2 to the Mavericks (You're dangerous Minnesota-Mankato, I like that). Obviously, something big needs to happen if the visiting Bulldogs are going to get back in this game. Maybe a technically superb play? Selfless teamwork that inspires? Putting that black disk in the correct net? No, how about a giant fight instead.

A centering pass fails, and we get some shoving after the officials call for a stoppage. The crowd, starved for anything resembling conventional entertainment, is going wild. "Yee haw! Shovin'! Push 'em again!" It's hard not to share this enthusiasm.

Come back here so I can push you away from me!

The shoving quickly escalates, once it becomes clear that pushing someone who is on a nearly frictionless surface is not going to accomplish much in terms of inflicting the physical harm they so richly deserve for trying to pass it near your goal. The grabbing begins and everyone ends up in a standing dog pile behind the net. Not in Wayne Gretzky's office, have some respect. Naturally, this results in deafening cheers. It's almost like anti-social behavior is more entertaining to the average Ice Gang fan than poorly executed cross-crease attempts.

This is how we re-tweeted before there was an internet.

The crowd is now throwing "stuff" on the ice, according to the announcer. Here, take my car keys, junior goons! Then it's time to drop the gloves and the reaction to our "first college hockey fight!" is simply off the charts from all involved. "Look at Adams!" shouts the other commentator. Yes, please do. He's feeding some poor bastard the meat candy and earning the socially prescribed "Ten year old watching first porn" reaction from all involved.

  I lost my full-ride athletic scholarship over this and ended up a human derelict, but it was worth it.

Just as I got tired of looking at Adams it's time to look at some other guy, who is also fighting. All five guys (actually ten, but who cares, right) are going! We get some speculation over whether the goalies will also participate in this ritualized destruction of one's NCAA eligibility, but it's impossible to say at this point. It appears the officials are even ready for battle, as a Minnesota State player gets manhandled by a zebra. Fortunately for whatever remains of his pride, the ref doesn't actually take advantage and throw some fists.

An official who can kick a much larger player's ass.

Gradually the belligerents become arm weary, collapse to the ice and/or get soundly whupped by the officiating crew. As this plays out, the goalies start trying to make their way toward center ice and what will certainly be perhaps ten seconds of comical and ineffectual flailing. Meanwhile, the crowd gives the players a standing ovation, a positive memory that will hopefully make the lengthy suspension and memory of getting horse-collared by a 150 pound official sting a little less. 

The goalies wave at each other, while unrelated footage of an unhappy coach is shown. That's ok NCAA college hockey broadcast, I can just use my imagination.

"And most importantly, have fun out there."

We do that 1920s phone booth trick, you know the one present-day readers, except instead of a phone booth it's the penalty box. Ferris State bench players look on with interest, realizing that their playing time is about to go way up with most of the team now on punishment. We shut the little doors on the penalty box to make escape impossible and everyone can now think about what they've done.

Komment Korner  

Yes you won the McNaughton cup... congrats hopefully you realize that its a glamor trophy 

I don't understand hockey

Pushing and shoving oh boy!!!  Thats Mankato State for you.

I was at thice game go mavs

Actually a lot of them are Canadians as well, MNSU has a guy from Latvia too.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Antoine Roussel vs Kevin Klein

Is there a better way to celebrate winter sport and the athlete's journey than a 90 second hockey video, illegally posted with neither expressed or implied permission from the NHL, featuring two "goons" I've never heard of awkwardly brawling while sliding around on skates with most of their heads protected by gear while an announcer reacts to this bizarre spectacle "like a ten year old watching their first porn," as one commentator put it. The answer is, of course, "yes."

 Somehow the one on 2.5 rush led to an excellent scoring chance.

Everything is better on ice, that's for sure. Disney, a decomposing body, sports, it's all improved by water in a solid state. Here the representative of "DAL" manages to get a shot on goal from the point that hits the pipe. I promise that will be the last use of lame sports jargon in this review, especially since there won't be any opportunities to go nuts over a "saucer pass" because we end up fighting for the rest of this video. "Come on LaMellioux, sauce that thing!" All right, it's out of my system.

The net comes loose and the players converge in a less than orderly fashion, perhaps arguing over who will be responsible for putting the goal back, a process that I'm assuming is assigned to a random player and is super difficult. This leads to some "jousting" which is actually one of the less ridiculous bits of metaphor this announcer will be providing. 

All right, who has my missing stick? Behind me? I'm not falling for that!

Things quickly break down as the two designated "police officers" of each team somehow find each other in the scrum and begin trying to punch each other in the head, apparently unconcerned about the helmet and visor, both of which are significantly stronger than a closed human hand. The officials are fairly apathetic, I guess realizing that this is hockey and a certain amount of violent sociopathy is both expected and encouraged and also the only thing getting hurt here is the knuckles.

"Stop it guys! You'll ruin the honor system for the rest of us!"

The "youth watching first porn" announcer is going nuts. He declares it to be "old school" and "rock 'em, sock 'em" as both combatants finally start to isolate the small amount of facial region not heavily protected. Imagine trying to stab an armored knight through the slits in his helmet and you're not far off. "Old school," indeed, or as they called it back then "school."

Roussel looses his helmet and his opponent, perhaps sensing that his enemy can finally actually be damaged by his attacks, tries to finish the job but is too tired after wasting all that energy ineffectually flailing at a vinyl nitrile shell and only manages a shot or two before becoming completely exhausted. 

Ow, my hand hurts! I can't figure out how that happened.

One of the first rules they should teach sports commentators is to avoid turns of phrase that sound like the titles of a pornographic videos from the nineties. This rule is broken with the pronouncement that the two warriors were "standing back and feeding each other the meat candy." Yeah. We're trying to downplay the massive homo-erotica of two muscular guys pounding away on each other before collapsing exhausted and spent into each others arms.

I like how the pig is happy about being brutally killed and then eaten by obese Americans.

Perhaps eager to move on from this awkward moment we discuss the shot that led to the fight, this time calling it a "stop and pop." Sorry, I guess once the mind goes into the gutter it stays there. We discuss the road that lead to this war. There was "foreshadowing" when Roussel was making himself a "nuisance" and this led to the "fistics." Yeah, it's like the world's worst work of literature. Chekov's hockey stick, etc.

Also: "I'll teach you to be a nuisance!" *punches helmet repeatedly*

Great, now we can add "punching the helmet" to the list of innuendos this video has generated.

We talk about "punching windows" and the need for uppercuts to actually do any damage. As meaningless, socially reprehensible and grotesquely comical as it all was, we can still agree it was "quite a tilt." 

Must...feed...meat candy...

Komment Korner  

Klein is a pretty underrated fighter. He really tries to fuck people up when he decides to drop  the mitts. 

Put on a helmet with a visor and let your friend punch you as hard as he can in the visor. You won't do it.

and now klein's a ranger

THIS is how it's done!  Going at it at 100 mph, like they're going to EAT each other when they're done...CLASSIC!!

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.