News You Can't Use: KFC Responds to U.K. Chicken Shortage Scandal

KFC went through a highly publicized, somewhat bizarre crisis in the U.K. this week: The fast food joint known for its fried chicken ran out of chicken.

Since absolutely nothing else happened last week you probably remember this dominating headlines. This was the disaster where something known for chicken had trouble with chicken, which is some very efficient sentence structure.

Now, KFC is apologizing with a creative stunt: rearranging its name to spell “FCK.”

I guess what exactly constitutes "creative" instead of "vulgar corporate group-think" is going to be a matter of personal opinion, at least to some extent.

The shortage stemmed from “operational issues” with new delivery provider DHL, forcing most of its 900 locations to temporarily shut down (some reopening with limited menus and shorter hours).

You devils and your so-called "operation" problems. We all know you just don't want to fry me up some cluckers and are coming up with elaborate and phony excuses to prevent this.

Disappointed fans of the chain were vocal on social media and even started trying to get police involved (police in both London and Manchester had to remind angry KFC fans that the “#KFCCrisis” isn’t a police matter).

I'm sure your quaint, unarmed police are going to be able to do something about Big Chicken; an organization so powerful and arrogant they'll imply the foulest of foul words in their official propaganda.

KFC even set up a website letting fans know where the closest open store was located. As of today, the BBC reported that around 700 of the KFC’s stores in the U.K. have reopened.

They even went so far as to have a website on the so-called "information road," if you can believe that, declares a reporter from 1993.

One dejected KFC fanatic admitted “I’ve had to go to Burger King” after repeatedly returning to KFC, where she was given free rice boxes.  

I'm willing to die for KFC, such is my fanaticism, but I guess I'll have to go to Burger Land or whatever.

Burger King wasn’t the only one to capitalize on the #KFCCrisis.  Iceland Foods offered free breaded chicken strips, while PETA tweeted about the state of the typical British chicken farm.

I'll have to try this "PETA" restaurant. I wonder what tasty animals they serve?

In The Sun and Metro, KFC ran a full-page print ad crafted by agency of record Mother London. The ad apologizes for the ordeal while admitting that “a chicken restaurant without any chicken” is “not ideal.”

What we did was inappropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

KFC’s apology appears to be getting a mostly positive reception from fans of the fast food chain on social media.

There's no better way to win respect and acclaim than by apologizing.

Just kill it and get it into a bucket, pal.

Founder and group managing director of Frank PR Andrew Bloch tweeted that the apology was a “masterclass in PR crisis management,” while other marketers and fans alike tweeted in praise of the brand’s apology.

This is the most amazing apology I've ever seen. You are truly the emperor of begging and groveling after failure.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Couple Caught Having Oral Sex In Dining Room At McDonald’s

Coming up with the perfect night out can get hard (this is the first of many double entendres this story will produce, the rest will be ignored, leaving the schoolgirl giggling implied). You could go all out and be creative, maybe a hot air balloon, scuba diving or going behind the dumpster of the last remaining video rental store in America. However, as the kids say, let's please to be keeping it real when doing the needful. After all, these sexually charged interactions are supposed to be about genuine human connection, shared emotions and feelings, birds suddenly appearing, that sort of thing. With this in mind, performing the French Act in a fast food dining room under the shadows of the children's play area is just as good as any idea network television might try to subliminally insert (ha ha, insert. Whoops, sorry) into your mind.

Meet Conrad Jablecki. 

I'd really rather not. Even considering he's the real-life version of "I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Perverts in the top ten, please allow me to bump thee.

The 30-year-old Maryland man has been charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after he engaged in oral sex with a woman in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s, cops report.

You can tell a society is corrupt by all the laws, man. You can't legislate morality, stop trying. Besides, we can't even FEED everyone, but have time to worry about nightstick polishing in Mayor McCheese's city. Our priorities, man. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

According to investigators, Jablecki and a woman--who has yet to be apprehended--trysted publicly on a Thursday afternoon in March. 

It's customary for the gentleman to shoulder all the open lewdness charges on a date, unless you agreed in advance to split them.

A McDonald’s worker spotted the duo’s illicit activity and chased them from the restaurant in York.

This is the citizen of the year. When I was flipping burgers I was mostly in a stuporous haze of self-pity and alcohol hangover effects and not exactly on high-alert for catching illicit activity.

Jablecki, who lives about 40 miles south of the McDonald’s, was charged Monday in a District Court criminal complaint.

A one hour drive just to perform sex acts during the calorie load. Maybe there's an In-N-Out Burger closer to your home. Let your fingers do the walking, dudemar.

Just thought I'd stop in for some of the old in-out, in-out. Er, Burgers, that is.

Jablecki’s rap sheet includes convictions this year for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. 

On tonight's episode of The Petty Crime Profiler...

In 2012, Jablecki was sentenced to 60 days in jail and placed on probation for two years in connection with charges that he exposed himself to a woman and her five-year-old daughter on a Maryland beach.

Genuine class.

According to his Facebook page, Jablecki works for a landscaping firm.

Really? My guess would have been medical doctor, contract lawyer or maybe senator.

In posts last year, Jablecki wrote about seeking “A bad bitch W/ mean head game” and “a Girl who is a SupaFreak+Funny+Down to Earth+spontaneous+Drama-Free+Sense of Humor+Easy to conversate with jus talk About Everything an Anything!”

In fairness, it might be difficult to conversate and/or jus talk when your mouth is full.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I guess they were overcome by the romantic ambiance of their beloved Golden Arches.

Is that what Mickey D's means by "Real Grown-up Taste"?

A real Lady Gaga

he must have voted for Hillary and is getting his reward B.J. Hint for the police "Madonna"

Land of the free and home of the brave. I am so proud to be an American.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: 2 Ran Drug Operation Through NH Burger

How about a story highlighting the unbelievably banal adventures of the world's dumbest criminals? Honestly, this one is amazing, featuring human units who were able to parlay a fast food job ($15 an hour, make it happen socialism!) into time behind bars via attempting to provide a product that can cure all diseases and makes excellent rope, only to run afoul of the law, so-called. An effort to turn a Burger King into the Netherlands version, or at least what I would imagine because I didn't go to a Burger King there, ends in predictable disaster. There's probably some sort of lesson in all this, but you're really bringing me down, man.

Police said they managed to bag a pair of street-level drug dealers using a local fast food drive through to sell marijuana.

I'm sure you feel a lot safer now and rightly so.

Epping Police Chief Mike Wallace said Thursday that Raymond residents Garrett Norris, 20, and Meagan Dearborn, 19, were arrested Saturday after police were tipped off to the drug operation using the Burger King restaurant drive-through window.

Time for some of that "free college" for generation nothing. Or at least you can pretend it's college, I'm sure there's a library or whatever in the prison.

"We obtained enough evidence that pointed to the employee, Norris, was selling marijuana though the drive-through. It was substantiated with the with sting operation. We went in later that evening and arrested him and the shift manager," said Wallace.

This arrest cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, but at least the Devil Plant has been temporarily inconvenienced.

Wallace said buyers would arrive at the restaurant and ask for "Nasty Boy." "Once it was verified he was working they had to ask for their fries extra crispy." Money was exchanged at the drive-through window.

I feel a song coming on.
 
Gimme a beat!

Sittin' in the drive-thru line, thinkin' nasty thoughts, huh
Better be crispy fries or you turn me off, huh
That's right,
a-let me exchange money

Nasty Nasty boys, don't mean a thing, huh
Oh you nasty boys
Nasty Nasty boys, don't ever change, huh
Oh you nasty boys!

The drugs were not put with any food ordered but were sold in a separate container.

That Big King made you hallucinate because the mystery sauce (what could it possibly be???) had turned rancid, not because it had Satan's hair in it.

We always heard rumors that employees were selling illicit drugs through some fast food restaurants. It was never substantiated until Saturday night."

Sherlock Holmes versus the Evil Professor this ain't.

Police say the operation did not involve the franchise owners and was restricted to the two employees arrested.

No one who isn't poor will be punished, don't worry.

Norris was charged with possession of a controlled drug with intent to distribute. Dearborn was charged with conspiracy to distribute a controlled drug. She also faces charges of unlawful possession of alcohol.

My life can't get any worse, I'm working in fast food. Wrong.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I just spit my oatmeal

Money from a national , big name business, is usually the goal

There is still no Amendment to US Constitution making any drug illegal.

I love how the cops assume she was part of it

What a Whopper of a story!

The actual food they sell causes people to actually get sick and die

Well they do say, "Have it your way."




Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Facebook Changes to Trending Topics Questioned After Blunder

Clearly the information gathering social media sites are the best source for your daily news, such as it is. If you need to know, and trust me you need to know, about chicken sandwich themed debauchery we definitely have you covered on the old data mining honey trap. If you're looking for basic, correct information on whether or not a news bunny got fired you might want to keep on walking, but hey, even the Superb Owl winners lost during the regular season and the important thing is you keep feeding us your personal information for our consumerism offensives and future relocation initiatives, etc.

Facebook's changes to its "Trending Topics" section are being questioned after it featured a false report about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly.

False information coming out of your eyes, coming out of your...whatever.

The story posted Saturday falsely claimed Kelly had been fired by Fox because she secretly supported Democrat Hillary Clinton.

It seems reasonable enough, since we all know faux news (Ha! Get it? Do you get it????) is a fascist echo chamber that has been aggressively promoting Donald Trump for over a year. No really, you're supposed to believe this.

Another topic trending was #McChicken, which took users to stories about a video of a man using the McDonald's sandwich in a sex act.

Please die, modern world.

Facebook announced Friday that an algorithm would select trending topics in place of humans but human editors would still screen them.

We'll combine the errors generated by computers with good old fashioned human error and incompetence and the end result should be a highly satisfying mix of political gas-lighting and junk food pornography.

 El Oh El

Menlo Park, California-based Facebook has apologized for the Kelly story, telling CBS News its editors mistakenly thought it was legitimate before realizing the error. 

It confirmed all our prejudices, so we assumed it was true without doing any due diligence. Oh well, you forgive us, right?

Facebook says that the McChicken topic doesn't violate its content policy and that any trending topic that reflects a real-world event may be featured.

You know what, Mr. Putin, if you "accidentally" hit that giant red button no one would blame you.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Which Way Books #5: Lost in a Strange Land

This was supposed to be the long-awaited (well, in my own imagination, anyway) read-through of Choose Your Own Adventure #13, but this R.A. Montgomery non-classic was apparently shipped in a solar powered sugar glider or the like and failed to arrive. And this was after I decided to settle for the pathetic reissue and not pony up a hundred or so dollars for a box of ashes or whatever "acceptable" condition actually means. It's just not meant to be, so might as well stay in the Which Way Books rut I've been digging with all the speed and precision of a glacial valley. R.G. Austin drivel in the hand is worth a lot more than R.A. Montgomery communism in the bush, after all.

The above b.s. is the best and only cover image online. 

As per tradition most of the actual creative and, let's be honest here, legitimate effort is expended in the opening. I'm summering in the Pacific Northwest where I've acquired the habit of exploring "lava tubes" in the ample free time this set-up provides. Yes, this was parenting in the eighties. "Go explore the volcano holes, Timmy. If you're not back for dinner we'll assume you were melted like a flesh candle or otherwise killed horribly. Have fun!" 

Not surprisingly this dangerous hobby leads to trouble, but perhaps not what you'd expect (can't breathe, so hot, it was all worth it, etc.). Instead another hollow earth plot kicks in as I fall through a crumbling floor and plunge into darkness. Reverse gravity kicks in and after hours of gentle floating (that does sound pretty righteous) I land softly in front of a sign (!) warning, in English, that I'm about to enter bizarre worlds full of all manner of fantasy cliches and general "What's up with THAT?" Forewarned by this convenient and non-suspension of disbelief damaging advice, it's time for a patented three-way...er, choice that is. 

 "Mantle" and "Outer Core" are establishment propaganda, man.

The choice is basically a three-headed coin toss, since there's no hints to distinguish Alpha, Beta and Gamma World from each other, apart from my preexisting knowledge that being the Alpha is b.s. I'll let the lucky Maryland quarter split the difference, Maryland it is, so off to Gamma. I walk through mist for awhile and arrive at a golden gate. Yes, it's time to gatecrash heaven. How long can I last before the deception is noticed?

There's a garden beyond the gate, which I just walk right through without incident. Hey, those two sentences that make up an entire page of this book still have value, just not in terms of advancing the plot or providing anything resembling artistic prose. Anyway, there's a banquet table covered in food and a tree, so I decide to tuck into some of that.

I was on a beach and boozing at the same time...such misadventures!

After getting the old eat, sleep and shelter on, I get a wake-up call from the tree, which apparently can both talk and vomit out exposition regarding a cyclops that used to visit but is now very much into his gold. With Greco-Roman mythology effectively destroying the Garden of Eden allusions there's also a reference to a "fairy queen" but this book pretty much had me at "cyclops." Can't wait to go all Odysseus on the old one-eyed monster.

A short walk later and there's a giant with one eye. "This must be the cyclops." Honestly, between this observational brilliance and my love for lava tube exploration I've really got a bright future ahead. All this heavy duty processing of information leads to being picked up by the dangerous giant and there's a short debate over whether I'd be a "tasty morsel" or impossibly dry and stringy, with my position in this great debate being the latter. 

Unfortunately, this only makes the monster decide to put me on a weight gain diet until I'm sufficiently plump and succulent. Insisting that I "only eat junk food" (Nationality: American) proves useless as somehow this creature from legend has plenty of burgers, fries and other delicious left arm tinglers right there. Oh well, might as well dig in.

I hope the point I'm making isn't too subtle.

Suffice it to say, I use clever trickery worthy of the Hero of Ithaca to get the cannibalistic offspring of Poseidon addicted to the junk food (It's so good, try it!). This eventually puts the bestial abomination into a food coma, while I've meanwhile "lost weight" and can slip between the bars of the cage it was using as a reverse fat camp prison. I take the gold and start thinking of all the amazing charity work I'm going to do with it (Yeah, really) and, presumably, somehow escape this incredible world of barely reheated tales of wonder.

Maybe being denied the R.A. Montgomery lectures I was anticipating put me in a receptive mood, but I actually thought this one was decent. Sure, it was just various well-established elements awkwardly combined but it was painless enough and even delivered a heavy-handed "Knock it off, carb-face!" message. By Which Way Books standards this is high praise. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.