News You Can't Use: Saudi Arabia Renews Fatwa Against Pokémon Franchise

What is that wacky Generation Nothing up to this time? More staring into phones, I bet! Well, yes, but believe it or not this pathology has metastasized into some even more incredible. Namely blundering around the so-called "real world" in search of various poorly draw "monsters" that are then captured and forced into a life of gladiatorial slavery not unlike what was depicted in "Spartacus" just with more neck-beards and early onset obesity. So now we have millennials literally blundering off cliffs lemming style while a formerly apathetic older generation must now get all "Get off of my lawn!" on the youthful walking dead. Not a very good state of affairs. Fortunately clerics in Saudi Barbaria have taken a break from attacking the basic laws of motion to condemn this fresh evil from the Western (and Eastern!) infidel.

Catch Squirtle at your own risk — at least in Saudi Arabia.

On tonight's episode Squirtle is beheaded for apostasy...

The kingdom renewed its 2001 fatwa against the cute cartoon creatures on Wednesday, saying the viral cellphone game Pokémon Go is a form of gambling, and therefore forbidden under Islamic law.

You are in fact wagering your personal well-being (there was a Charizard in front of that moving car!) and remaining dignity, in addition to gambling that Friend Google won't do any funny business with the massive amounts of data mined by this horse hockey, so it turns out The Kingdom is right. As always.

The edict renews a 2001 decree by the General Secretariat of the Council of Senior Religious Scholars, issued when the game was still played with cards and on video game consoles.

God has not changed His mind, it would appear.

Sheikh Saleh Al-Fozan, a member of the Council of Senior Religious Scholars, said that the mobile version of the Japanese scavenger hunt-style game is the same as the card version — and does not get a pass.

After much prayer, fasting, meditation, level grinding, silent reflection, player vs. player matches to raise my rank and win badges and self-flagellation I have arrived at this divinely ordained conclusion. Just like the card game, although with more bricks to the face from criminal element and oblivious trespassing.

Pokémon Go is not officially available in Saudi Arabia, but many in the country are believed to have figured out how to download the app, according to reports.

Can't wait to blunder out into this completely inhospitable desert because I think there might be Japanese cartoons hiding in the dunes.

This is the best image on the entire internet for a variety of reasons.

Three Saudi men in their mid-20s were recently arrested while playing Pokémon Go at an airport in the kingdom, a Saudi online newspaper reported. 

Get ready for some of that hand removal, bros.

The men were using their smartphone cameras to illegally take pictures in the restricted area of the King Abdullah airport in southwestern Saudi Arabia, according to the report.

Once again a Theocratic nightmare state dominated by a handful of fossil fuel plutocrats and governed by superstition and terror has shown us the way.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Female Yahoo Exec Accused of Sexual Harassment from Female

When considering the technology industry the first thought that pops into the head of any healthy person is steamy visions of every possible type of hot, hot sex. There's just something about all that in-putting and hyperlinks and sitting and snacking that makes you want to select the nearest warm body for defilement and then give the soul and personality that is imprisoned in said body a bunch of "lousy" performance reviews. Get ready to get warmed up and please try to keep both hands above the equator as I tell you the latest tale of tech-heads and their overwhelming urge to do the Wild Thing.

Sexual harassment complaints aren't uncommon in the tech industry, but a new one at Yahoo is making headlines because of an unusual twist

There's just something about the social skills of your average "programmer" or "analyst" that insures that there will be sexual harassment complaints for even the most timid of their creepy advances. As for the twist, by "unusual" we actually meant "banal as all hell." We regret the error.

A female executive is accused of coercing a female subordinate into sex.

I'm not sure if this a victory for human rights and equality or not. Eh, it probably is. Sure. Let's celebrate.

The lawsuit filed by engineer Nan Shi says that her boss, mobile exec Maria Zhang, forced her into sex and then punished her with lousy performance reviews when Shi put a stop to it, reports the San Jose Mercury News.

I'm sure we've all had some "bad performance reviews" after watching the submarine races, am I right? I was tired, it happens to everyone, headache, all the rest.

When Shi reported it to Yahoo, the company put her on unpaid leave and eventually fired her, according to the lawsuit. It names Yahoo as a defendant, reports Reuters.

Yet another case of human resource betrayal! Well, that or this is just a nuisance lawsuit and she really was inept at the job. There is that slim possibility.

"Zhang told Plaintiff she would have a bright future at Yahoo if she had sex with her," says the complaint. "She also stated she could take away everything from her including her job, stocks, and future if she did not do what she wanted."

"You want stocks, don't you? Of course you do. Suck on this."

Yahoo is sticking by Zhang and says it will "fight vigorously to clear her name."

"I was just looking for faceless casual encounters with whatever was convenient, just like any good person. It had nothing to do with the job."

It's only sexy when a vampire does it.

The suit is the latest in a string of harassment cases in the tech world, notes Business Insider, which has a roundup. (Last year, a tech-conference tweet led to controversy.)

Please use hashtag #damngirlyousofine. 

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Komment Korner  

Their's your sexism right there.

There's not too much information out there on men being violated in the workplace

Time to do their jobs? Have you used Yahoo lately? It stinks.

So much for the Seduction of Misty Mundae on late night cable.

That is so hot! Any pics?

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.