News You Can't Use: Study Finds Lonely People Humanize Tech Gadgets

Since I was raised as a feral child by friendly calculators and speak-n-spells in the basement of a Radio Shack it comes naturally for me to assign human characteristics to Chinese light boxes. But what of the so-called "lonely," those wretched souls who want for human companionship and, I guess, can't afford regular lap dances or trips to a Mormon singles retreat or what have you. It appears that the man-shaped hole in your bed can, in fact, be poorly filled in by pretending the electronic devices in your life are capable of returning the love and affection you shower on them. This is all a clear sign of societal health.

Many of us have had the experience of talking to — or, more like, swearing at — our computer as if it had a mind of its own. 

Yeah, my computer or "device," as it now calls itself. I tell it "Listen up, device. I got vices of my own and I'll crush you in one of them. PAIN!!!"

Some of us, ahem, have even treated our iPhones or Kindles like they were willfully trying to screw with us.

All right Kindle, everything up until now has just been fun and games as far as I'm concerned. But now you're starting to make me mad. And when I get mad, bad things happen, so please display the written vampire capitalist with a heart of gold pornography.

As relatable as this impulse is, though, a new study published in the journal Psychological Science suggests that it’s lonely and anxious people who are most likely to anthropomorphize technological gadgets.

Losers most likely to engage in pathetic dork-meister behavior, imagine that.

But, according to researchers, when we’re reminded of our close connections with other people, regardless of how lonely or anxious we are, we are less likely to humanize these inanimate devices.

I had a friendly conversation with another Wise Wise Man so you're not getting any love, Central Processing Unit.

“We think this work really highlights how important feeling socially connected is to people and the lengths people will go to ‘reconnect’ when they feel disconnected, and it reminds us of the value of our close relationships,” said lead researcher Jennifer Bartz of McGill University in a press release.

Another McGill University snob.

The researchers put 178 participants through a series of questionnaires that measure things like a person’s loneliness and self-esteem.

Darling are you lonesome tonight? y/n

Then, half the participants were asked to think about an “important” and “meaningful” relationship and answer a bunch of questions about that particular person.

Then we got a boodle of statistics which were wirr-zizzired into some highly dubious conclusions about y'all folks.

Mud, slime, necrotic rotting bodies...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Then the participants were asked to read descriptions of four different gadgets, including Clocky, an alarm clock with wheels that rolls away from you when it goes off.  

Conversely I'll roll right up on your grill when I go off.

The researchers found a strong association between loneliness and a tendency to humanize gadgets.

They also found a strong association between grant money and making some sort of finding.

The researchers suggest that anthropomorphizing tech is a way that lonely and anxious people seek out a sense of connection — but it’s not exactly a great long-term strategy.

Have you tried getting married and raising a family instead of having Omega Man conversations with Clocky, in other words.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Device Nags You to Sit Up Straight

The dream of eliminating slouching by the year 3000 continues its slouch forward, now with the aid of amazing new technology! Yes, despite attempts to make chair low-riders into a protected class by promoting jelly spine acceptance the Powers That Be have not given up their moralistic crusade against that low 'n' lazy. We've now reached a point where there's an "app" for that.

"Sit up straight. Put your shoulders back. Don't slouch." Chances are good that you've heard nags like these from your mother more than a few times in your life.

Whoa, let's avoid this hetero-normative language. What if it was Father #2 doing the nagging or one of those cloth attachment dummies they use on experimental animals? I sincerely hope someone got fired over this.

It's a $150 sensor called LumoBack, from a company called Lumo BodyTech, that straps around your lower waist to track your posture and vibrates whenever you slouch.

Ladies, don't go getting any crazy ideas.

LumoBack uses Bluetooth to correspond with a free app that runs on Apple's iOS devices. (An Android version of the app is planned before the end of this year.) The company released a new version of its app on Tuesday, as well as a smaller version of its sensor band, both of which I've been testing.

The extremely technologically sophisticated society is indeed indistinguishable from magic.

After a week, I viewed LumoBack like eating broccoli: I know it's good for me, but I don't necessarily enjoy it. One upside is LumoBack is worn under clothing so you aren't announcing to the world you're tracking your movements by wearing something visible, like a sporty wristband.

If people found out you slouched your life would be basically ruined. "Sloucher: do not promote, give extreme audit" would be entered in your government paperien. This way no one need know about your secret solitary vice. Except the "LumoBack" people, but they're your friends, honest.

LumoBack's app with its armless stick figure that reflects your moves on an iOS device's screen is charming. The figure turns yellow and frowns when your posture is poor, and turns green and smiles when your posture is good.

When you have a wrong thought, like how our freedoms and privacy are vanishing, you get a angry red frowning face and a mild electric shock.

Let the LumoBack do its work, class.

 

But it's unrealistic to constantly look at a screen to check your posture so most of the times I felt these vibrating nags, I had to guess how to improve my posture.

This might be the first time a technology article has ever suggested that constantly looking at a tiny screen is "unrealistic." If this is the case, I seem to run into people out of touch with reality surprisingly often.

The first nagging buzz comes after you've been exhibiting bad posture for four seconds, then it buzzes again at 11 seconds. If you don't correct your posture after that, LumoBack assumes you don't want to be corrected again and stops buzzing.

Even Lumoback will eventually learn to give up on you, you loser.

In the next few months, Lumo BodyTech plans to release a coaching component for its app that aims to make the sensor more of a motivational gadget.

"All right, let's get exciting about posture! Hey now, you're starting to slouch, champ! Let's fix that spine! Yes! You're doing great! Now let's have no independent thought or imagination!"

For example, notifications will appear on your iPhone that say things like, "You've been sitting in that chair for 30 minutes. Stand up for yourself!"

Lumoback is not responsible for how badly your life will be ruined if you decide to take that order metaphorically instead of literally. 

I was concerned about wearing a Bluetooth device close to my body for so long. Lumo BodyTech's co-founder, Andrew Chang, said LumoBack transmits activity around 1% to 2% of the time during typical usage, and its radiation levels are about 25 times less than a Bluetooth headset.

And small amounts of radiation are probably good for you, toughen you up, that sort of thing.

The sensor's battery lasts five to seven days, depending on usage, and recharges via an included USB cord that plugs into a computer.

You can never have too much crazy stuff jammed into the USB ports. It's the automobile cigarette lighter for this amazing new world.

He had won the battle against himself. He loved sitting upright.

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whoop WHOOP, gimmick alert!

Especially in our sitting society Posture Awareness is important

Big deal; the LumoMom nags you to make your bed, change your underwear, and wash behind your ears.

Often, the difference between a "kinda pretty" girl and a "knockout" is posture. Good posture implies self-confidence. Stand tall!

Aaron Zehner's posture is the stuff of legends. His first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. You will not need to strap it to your body or regularly recharge it, but I guess you could pretend.