Choose Your Own Adventure #7: The Third Planet From Altair

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but I'm still determined to eventually write a wacky run-through for all of these books, even if it means reviewing hot garbage late entries like "Roller Star" and "SuperBike" from a nursing home, in between trips to the death panel and falling in the tub and whatever else happens in the twilight of this human condition. Anyway, back at it. And what better way to return than yet another "space" entry? Everything was space and dinosaurs back then, just like if this series came out today we'd get futurist fantasies about everyone getting a free phone from the government and the thrilling new frontiers in taking "selfies."

You are devoured by Space Weed. The End.

An observatory has detected a signal from the Third Planet alluded to in the title that while it remains undecipherable at the present it also clearly suggests intelligence trying to contact us. If this really happened, of course, it would be suppressed and ignored for "our safety" and to "prevent panic" and that would be the end of it. In the future presented in T.P.f.A. a spaceship is sent to go check out this mysterious message and guess what, I made the cut. Joining me are the three people huddled together on the right side of the cover: big-chinned Action Man Bud Stanton, Brainy Girl Nera Vivaldi and pathetic Einstein-wannabe Henry Pickens.

Stanton promptly proves why he's the right man to lead this expedition by becoming "rigid" and not in the good way. Instead it's paralysis caused by an "antimatter storm" which sounds pretty bad but is apparently the rough equivalent of bad turbulence in a plane or driving on a Wisconsin road on the first warm day after the winter season. Still, I decide to change course just to be safe.

  If this lasts longer than four hours get to a doctor.

We get out of the storm, but the problems are just beginning. The Captain has now apparently been possessed by an alien parasite and is ordering us to go to some other planet in a creepy monotone voice that suggests either outside control or giving an undergraduate lecture. They really need to do a better job of screening these guys. We're barely out of the solar system and this guy already suffered undignified full-body stiffness and now alien possession. It's clearly time for a regime change on this ship.

Stanton proves no more competent when under the manipulation of unknown intelligences, quickly surrendering to my "mini laser" and allowing himself to be locked up. A little while later he's all "I'm fine now!" Yeah, I've seen the movie "Alien," dude. You're staying in there.

This apparently deals with the former captain and his major malfunction/lack of parental attention as a child but almost immediately some new "It's full of stars!" bullshit unfolds when we hit a "Time Warp Disruption" and are pinballed across space and time, leaving us hopelessly lost. Pickens wants to activate one of those patented sci-fi "whatever devices" that apparently exist only to solve the very specific problem currently being faced. He also admits there's a better than average chance activating this thing will end in disaster, because we have to try to wring some drama out of the "instant fix button" plot. I decide against it and stay in the new time, whenever it is.

Against all odds, we reach Altair and its Third Planet. However the other planets are now gone and the star itself has "lost a lot of mass." Meanwhile the solar system is full of dangerous "anti matter." Can we just get on to me laughing bitterly at my crew putting up a tiny American flag over the captain's grave and then explaining to them that everyone they care about is long, long dead, along with the earth itself in all likelihood. Yeah, let me do that.

Instead someone or something shoots a "missile" at us, I destroy it by having a seizure on the buttons and then we grimly look at each other and realize "there is no hope." Yay?

There's also no hope for my "dirty south" demo tape.

This one wasn't bad. There was a lot going on, not much padding and enough science fiction weirdness to get the job done. The ending didn't make much sense, but you can't have everything. This is a solid early entry. Speaking of which, I've now reviewed every single digit book in this series which feels like a considerable achievement until you look at how many remain and how many of those are almost certainly going to be extremely painful to read through.

But hey, maybe "SuperBike" will turn out to be an amazing forgotten classic. You can't rule it out!

It's a bike. It's super. Are you not entertained!?!

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Seattle Dive Bar Becomes First to Ban Google Glass

Technology! It pretty much solved all our problems, which is why we have a national budget surplus, young people are reserved and well-behaved and you can't leave the house without being offered jobs. Despite this conquest of the mundane, the future looks even brighter, complete with special "augmented reality" glasses that create an electronic wonder world that a decade ago could only be approximated by putting a sack over your head and then smashing a hammer into your forehead repeatedly. This exciting new alienation advance is worth pretty much all the money I have. Seriously, just take it all.

Not everyone's happy about this, if you can believe that. There is one natural enemy of hands-free internet and the high-tech lotus-eating it implies and that enemy is, of course, the "dive bar." The lines are being drawn for the coming battle between what is actually hip and who was doing what prior to it gaining mass acceptance.

He had won the battle against himself. He loved Big Google.

The 5 Point, a self-described dive bar in Seattle's Belltown neighborhood, posted a notice to its Facebook page this week telling Glass Explorers looking to grab a pint that they will need to remove their $1,500 spectacles. The story was noted today on GeekWire.

"We are aware of the irony of using the internet to denounce the internet, so don't bother pointing it out." I was also very disappointed to learn that "GeekWire" wasn't about carnival freaks. The $1,500 price tag for these wonderful glasses insures that the initial audience will be an even mix of the idle rich, CEO-types that see the benefit in early adaptation and total and complete suckers.

And not a single stereotype was defied on that day.

"For the record, The 5 Point is the first Seattle business to ban in advance Google Glasses," the post reads. "And ass kickings will be encouraged for violators."

Aw, yeah it's clobbering time! Prepare to be physically censored you Google-loving bastard! Eat this fist! 

Bombastic language aside you could almost argue that is some lame publicity stunt. No, can't be. "The 5 Point" loves you and would never sink to such a level for evil "profits." This is nothing but purity and sincerity, a line drawn in the sand against the evil-doers looking to steal our privacy and God-given right to go creepin' in some dank hole.

Meinert admitted he was having a bit of fun: "Part of this is a joke, to be funny on Facebook, and get reaction."

You can read the original story here, but I don't really recommend it because your computer will be assaulted with a million ads and other assorted b.s. Following the sad defeat of the "dive bar," the last bastion holding out against the dominance of internet commercialization, we can only expect more of this is in the bleak future that awaits.

Also, I hope none of these "Google Glass" users drive cars. Just sayin'.


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.