The most vital, interesting and aesthetically pleasing form of art in today's modern world is, without any doubt, internet trolling by sneering punks. A presidential candidate as a cartoon frog? Pictures with wacky words over them? It's pure brilliance and like any glimpse of the divine it can't be restrained and must burst forth gloriously into the so-called real world in the form of some punk kid leaving specs on the floor and fooling everyone.
A teenager decided to play a prank on art-lovers when visiting the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art this Week.
If there's an easier group to prank than art lovers I haven't encountered it.
TJ Khayatan, 17, told BuzzFeed News he and his friends got the idea for the stunt after they had mixed opinions of the art on display: “Upon first arrival we were quite impressed with the artwork and paintings presented in the huge facility,” he said. “However, some of the ‘art’ wasn’t very surprising to some of us.”
As you know the quality of the visual arts is determined by their ability to surprise. That's why that screaming face that pops up when you're halfway through a maze puzzle is objectively better than anything produced by the Renaissance. Also, hurry up and die, BuzzFeed.
He was particularly critical of one exhibit, which he described as a “stuffed animal on a gray blanket”.
Is this some kind of allegory? Look at this b.s. Come on.
“[We] questioned if this was really impressive to some of the nearby people,” he said.
Hey dudemar, you diggin' this trick bag or what? You think this obvious shuck is impressive? Really?
TJ and his friends then decided to put a pair of glasses down on the floor to see how other visitors to the gallery would respond.
Art museums, the world's roomiest and most visually pleasing Skinner Boxes.
He claims people were nearly immediately fooled by his fake exhibit, and started gathering around it “within seconds” to take photos.
Well, his exact words were "Adults are the suck" but you get the idea.
The pictures struck a chord with the public, and were shared tens of thousands of times in a few hours – and were eventually listed as a “Twitter Moment”.
It can't be all Chewie masks, sorry.
Despite the wild success of his prank, TJ told Buzzfeed it shouldn’t be construed as a condemnation of modern art: “I can agree that modern art can be a joke sometimes, but art is a way to express our own creativity. Some may interpret it as a joke, some might find great spiritual meaning in it.
Some shallow mark might get all spiritual on this figurative middle finger and that's real nice or whatever.
Paris as seen through the eyes of a blind man.
“At the end of the day, I see it as a pleasure for open-minded people and imaginative minds.”
I'm all about that tiny blue bird and, honestly, who could blame me? The opportunity to participate in an online bathroom wall is not something any sane person would pass on and let's be honest, any idea that can't be communicated in 140 characters isn't worth considering. And the entertainment! Hashtag games! Celebrities committing thought crime and getting slapped down after the pathetic apologizes. Jokes based on misinterpreting the lyrics of thirty-year-old Sir Mix-a-lot songs. You know what, maybe the imminent death of this thing isn't the worst news I've ever heard, although there's no way I'm giving up my "followers," many of whom might be actual human beings, at least in the loosest possible definition.
When Jack Dorsey returned last year as chief executive of Twitter, the social media company he co-founded, he had a mandate: Right a sinking ship.
Get in there and just fix everything! Never mind the details, I'm a vision person. I'm sure you'll think of something. Maybe gutting the "direct message" function? Changing "favorites" to something easier for the mush-minds to comprehend? Tiny lightning bolts that call to mind nazi atrocities? Yep, you've got many great ideas. Right that ship, son. Aw, yeah.
Since then, Mr. Dorsey, 39, has laid off employees and deep-sixed an expansion of its headquarters in San Francisco.
I love the changes you made, Mr. Dorsey! What, I'm fired? Well, this gravy train wasn't gonna last, I understand. Can you set me up with a position in some non-profit?
He has appointed new executives and shaken up the company’s board. And when it comes to making changes to Twitter’s core product, nothing is sacred.
Wow, this guy must be twenty feet tall and made of solid steel.
But change is not coming fast enough.
We've been hearing that a lot since 2008.
On Wednesday, after many quarters of slowing user growth, Twitter said its monthly visitors in the fourth quarter totaled 320 million — exactly the same as the company reported in the previous quarter.
Despite this stagnation I'm still offered lots of exciting chances to "buy followers" and participate in other allied scams, so half-full, am I right?
While the number was up 9 percent from a year ago, when monthly active users stood at 288 million, the figures showed that Mr. Dorsey’s moves had made little impact in attracting new users.
Maybe you didn't fire enough people? That must be it.
I made this cool Venn diagram. 100k a year plus portfolio sounds reasonable.
As user growth has decelerated, the pressure for Twitter to show that it can appeal to the public at large has been intensified by the specter of Facebook, which, at 1.59 billion users, is five times the size of Twitter.
Yeah, but think of all the eggs, cam whores and con artists that aren't on there because the rules make it hard for them. Won't someone think of the shills and scum?
“In the face of continuing pressure to add users and not a lot of movement, can they shift the attention somewhere else?”
Hey, look behind you! No, really! If you don't turn around right now something horrible will happen!
Shares of Twitter have been pummeled over the last year, dropping around 67 percent. The stock fell in after-hours trading on Wednesday.
Nice to see a good old fashioned tech bubble in today's day and age. I feel absolutely wistful.
But Twitter’s outlook was lower than projected by Wall Street. The company estimated revenue of $595 million to $610 million in the current quarter, compared with Wall Street expectations of $628 million.
When the nation debt is 20 trillion numbers like this are met with a bored stone-face.
I can't get enough of impractical and invasive technology, which is why I've been down with the Google Glass sickness from day one. Yes, back before it was cool. Assuming, at some date far after writing this it actually becomes popular in the mainstream, otherwise my with-it-ness will not be vindicated. Either way, at least some people (broken pathetic people) are trying it out and the result is incredible encounters with bar patrons that for some reason aren't thrilled with being the subject of amateur hour surveillance and/or Baby's First Police State Kit.
We hit the ground running with a promise that this story will be featured "Only on KRON 4." Well, at least now I have a name for this bizarre alternate Earth that I'm forced to live on. Actually that's a "station" on something called "television," a pill that's arguably harder to swallow than my exile on a similar but fundamentally broken planet theory. I guess this thing is sort of like the internet except it's an almost entirely passive experience and you're totally defenseless against the advertisements. Yeah, this "television" fad ain't going anywhere, man.
Welcome to KRON-4, earthling. Your bitcoins are safe here.
Our cheery anchorwoman, who is sadly caught in that awkward life stage when you're no longer a "cougar" but not yet a "granny" informs us that we better start getting used to seeing people with electronics strapped to their faces. Stop resisting, it's the irresistible arc of the universe toward horrible new alienating inventions. You're on the wrong side of history, sorry.
Oddly enough, not everyone is comfortable with this fundamental shift in the paradigm. The reasons for this are so inscrutable that we're forced to leave ex-cougar town and confer with a specialist in technology named "Gabe." Not surprisingly, he's awkward as all hell. Huh, it's almost like being hunched over a computer or staring at a fist-sized screen you carry everywhere might have behavioral consequences.
I don't know what to do with my arms. Let 'em hang, I guess.
In all honesty, I like Gabe. His first words are "Let me tell you" and anyone who uses that as an opener is going to be a solid human unit. Please Gabe. Tell us. He quickly introduces us to a "Social Media Consultant" who wears her Google Glass almost everywhere. He then explains that this garnered her "A lot of attention at a bar in San Francisco" and I know it sounds like the build up to the sort of joke that will hopefully be illegal very soon, but that's not where this is going.
While this exposition dump is happening we also get Gabe's Twitter name, which I guess could be used to "Live Tweet" this story if it hadn't happened back in February. Please use hash tag #AwkwardArmPositions.
#SemiFingerTent is trending right now!
Anyway, let me tell you. We are promised "captured" footage of a rare time when resembling a Dinner Theater version of the Borg didn't go well and even resulted in "Unwelcome Attention." Yes, there is apparently such a thing, although you'd never know it if you even have a passing familiarity with "face-booking" and allied narcissist time sinks.
First impressions mean a lot. Just like Gabe won me over with his wussy version of Pro Wrestler talk, our Social Media Wizard immediately earns my disapproval, something not at all given lightly, by using the word "literally" incorrectly, as is the way with this courageous new world. She "literally" kept saying "I don't believe this" and goes on to further explain it was "the only thing that could come out of my mouth" and just how "weird" this entire situation was.
Clearly it's the rest of the world that needs to change, she's literally the minority of one, the last sane human being. Wearing a camera on her face. To a bar.
It's literal, while not being literally true.
After this "You need to come down from the space station and land, young lady!" drivel it's back to Gabe's tight narration. She was out at the bar with "friends," which I'm assuming is code word for various electronic devices when things went south. Patrons hold up open hands and beer bottles, but the "ass kicking for violators" once promised by a dive bar is not in evidence.
Back to our bubble-headed glass user, who claims there was a lot of "animosity." Please, stop killing words that used to be good and full of legitimate meaning. What to do in the face of this Technophobia? Well, you turn on the video and start recording them, of course! I'll show you who can display the worst possible public behavior! I haven't even begun to fight!
There were also "negative comments" and our tech-head looks like she's on the verge of breaking into tears. "They said bad things about my camera-face!" Children starving, war atrocities, massive government corruption and this is what I get emotional about. Sometimes I think there might actually be some negative aspects of our current societal direction.
"Everyone's racist against FaceCam Americans!"
She then mentions how the evil normals were trying to shield themselves from being recorded and insists "It wasn't on!" even as we see the footage that was collected when she, you know, had it turned on. It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to see the problem with this.
I recorded this while it was turned off.
We get an appeal to "They didn't understand it!"which I guess would carry more weight if she actually knew the difference between "off" and "on." Then, the Luddites turn hostile. Well, sort of. One obscurantist tells our technology booster that she's "killing the scene." Hey, I didn't put in all this "make the scene" work just so my moment of triumph could be snatched away by a Google victim.
Then we get the big payoff, as a "towel was thrown" and Gabe offers Zapruder film-style analysis of this critical moment, complete with a giant orange immobile arrow that is actually correctly lined up with the offending cloth for about a tenth of a second.
Clearly the towel came from the grassy knoll.
Some other barfly also makes a halfhearted attempt to grab at the glasses, complete with slo-mo Sports Center replay, but it's so lame there really isn't much to say about it. How about more rambling? We're told that this technology could prevent these kinds of incidents.
It will prevent the incidents we just saw it cause. There might be a small logical problem here.
Most people love the Google Glass, in spite of the massive visual evidence to the contrary we just witnessed. What happened in that bar was a actually horrific anomaly, one last pathetic gasp from a past that needs to die. She keeps ranting about the benefits of this product with all the numb sincerity of a victim of cultic brainwashing. We're told we'll be won over if we "actually try them on." Yes, let's. Come down to the center. Take a personality test and learn about The Savior. Join us, it's blisssss...
Gabe, clearly as fed up with this b.s. as I am gives a quick "peace out."
Check Out My Books!
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.
His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
Independent thought is bad for you. It gets especially bad when you decide your so-called "ideas" should be shared with others. As an owner of a major corporation (this blog's target demographic and main readership) you have probably already encountered this problem and the messy sacrificial firings and rehearsed apologies that become necessary when your human units decide it's okay to make a joke or express an opinion or worse try to do both of those at once, on the information highway.
So far the most common counter-measure to this massive problem has been appealing to human agency, specifically telling the thralls "Don't go posting offensive things." It works about as well as you'd expect. The average person's inner thoughts are a lot like biological waste in a paper bag. Yeah, the bag might work for awhile, but eventually the vile contents are going to come leaking through in the form of Wrong Speech published on Twitter. Sure, you can then punish, which is a noble and patriotic act, but it just isn't a cost effective long term solution to Ungood Thought.
This is where I come in.
I will help you leverage your strategic "pretending everything is fine" competencies.
For the reasonable fee of $250k per year per account (gold bullion only, no federal reserve funny money, please) I will take over the twitter accounts of the adult babies who represent your executive team and begin churning out a steady supply of inoffensive drivel. No more worrying if the Vice President is suddenly going to grow a sense of humor with disastrous results. No more fear that someone will notice the world's problems and comment on them. For less than the cost of your average yearly bonus I will put a stop to the plague of self-expression. You won't even notice it's gone, other than the fact that you're suddenly not groveling for forgiveness any more.
Sample composite, actual submissions may vary.
You might react with "I don't need this service, anyone can figure this out." First of all, you're thinking again, which is wrong and a crime. Secondly, pick up an online newspaper. Every day someone is committing career suicide by First Amendment, even the most trustworthy. Being inoffensive and respectful to all 5,184 recognized victim groups is harder than it looks. You might think you're doing it right when you "tweet" things like "Thank goodness I was born White" or "Man, that Hitler had some good ideas." but believe it or not those are actually potential trouble. As acceptable as they might seem when you're hitting that blue button after a night booze and pills you're going to wake up in a world of hurt.
Just let me handle it. It's easier to just swallow that 140 character burst of Evil Words via a third party than it is to try to explain it away after the fact, when it's too late.
Your money (gold only, please) buys peace of mind.
I'm expecting a massive response, so you're going to want to act right now. First come, first served, you know the drill. I will help you win the victory over yourself. You will learn to love Big Twitter.
Shill Section
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.
His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here
