Which Way Books #9: Creatures of the Dark

After enduring a cynical update of what passes for a classic within this genre it's time to return to Which Way Books, where the low expectations always soften the impact. Yes, no more Edward Packard, instead the literary Alan Smithee that is R.G. Austin with some of that semi-competent efficiency that I've come to expect from this series. Today's subject probably couldn't be any more derivative and back then that's just how we liked it. Create your own lukewarm "homage" to classical mythology and add some lazy wackiness here and there...that's just crazy enough to work. Yeah, this is going to be great.

So close to creating the "puke rainbow" in 1982, so very close.

As suggested by the high-quality introductory paragraph this book is the spiritual successor to Lost in a Strange Land although this connection only exists in the low-energy premise. Once again I get swept away into a land of monsters and magic. Only now, instead of pursuing the safe and sane hobby of exploring lava floes (this bag of fine dust is all that remains of your child) my highly sensible solo voyage across the Pacific is interrupted by a storm and a plunge into a "black abyss. First, this sounds very familiar, just with most of the irrelevant details mercilessly stripped away so we can do this thang as fast as possible. Second, sick prose game from author "John Smith" here. 

From the maker of good movies comes this dud.

Anyway, we all know the drill by now: I'm in a strange land that may or may not include darkness and, possibly, even some sort of creatures loosely affiliated with said absence of light. So, naturally, the first choice is between a town or a city. Is this some sort of personality test disguised as poorly written eighties kid's entertainment? Well, if you must know I suffer from the City Boy Blues, so town it is.

As I walk through the forest toward the more intimate population center I get lassoed. Not this nonsense again. There better be some Cossacks at the other end of this rope-trick shuck or I'm not going to be happy. 

It's aliens. Why yes, this does make me rage, thanks for asking.

This, but with less artistic merit.

As you probably already guessed the little green men think I'm a wizard. Despite a blanket denial of this charge they demand I "prove it." Yeah. Come on hotshot, let's see you prove a negative. Should be easy for the kind of person who gets swept off boats and blunders into looped hemp products. I try to logic my way out of this by suggesting I would use my wizard powers against them if I actually had any but this proves unconvincing to the galactic wanderers and I'm dragged off to their spaceship where I'll presumably be tortured and executed. Wasn't really expecting another inquisition, especially one involving saucer people, but then again I suppose no ever expects them.

And that's all. Even by Which Way standards this one was a disappointment. All we needed was some quicksand and maybe a sinister dwarf and just about every element I dislike from these would have been present. Incredibly, this finishes the first ten books from this series. One day soon I may finally complete the set, realize I've reviewed the entire Which Way series and then hang my head, sobbing bitter tears and sinking into crushing despair. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Does the US Need a Nationwide Exorcism?

The nice thing about this current era is that no matter who you ask, whether it's the shrill eternal victims or the lecturing parental substitutes, you'll be told in no uncertain terms how bad everything is. This is the one issue we can all rally around and share common scotched Earth. What to do about all this ungood is where things start to get mildly contentious. Certainly throwing money and making speeches should be top priority, but does this country need a spiritual enema? As you might have guessed, some religious leaders are saying that in does.

Can — or should — an exorcism be done for the United States, as was done in Mexico this past May?

Well it obviously fixed Mexico. Please ignore the crime talk of that wealthy bankruptcy court fan with the elaborate hair to the contrary.

Cardinal Juan Sandoval Íñiguez, the archbishop emeritus of Guadalajara, performed the rite, together with priests from across Mexico, at the Cathedral of San Luis Potosí in a closed-door ceremony. The purpose: to drive away the evil responsible for skyrocketing violence, abortion and drugs in that predominantly-Catholic nation.

I wonder how you get a crucifix large enough to press into the forehead of an entire puking, head-spinning blaspheming country that's under diabolic occupation making people want to get high or have irresponsible sexual intercourse.

Such “exorcisms … have helped bring awareness that there is such a thing as sin influenced by Satan,” said Msgr. John Esseff, a priest for 62 years in the Diocese of Scranton, Pa., and an exorcist for more than 35 years.

No, this exorcism won't actually remove the demon from your body, but it will raise awareness and educate people on the problem, which is almost as good as a real solution, right? Better understanding and open dialogue should make you stop levitating and spider-walking down stairs.

“The devil has much to do with [influencing people in] breaking the law of God,” he said.

When we're not blaming video games or historical flags, that is.

In 2013, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Springfield, Ill., performed a minor exorcism at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Springfield in response to the governor’s signing same-sex “marriage” into law on that day.

You might remember him from a Two Minutes Hate.

He said the prayer service was “not meant to demonize anyone,” but was “intended to call attention to the diabolical influences of the devil that have penetrated our culture.”

We put warning stickers on those Iron Maiden records, what more could have been done?

Father Gary Thomas, pastor at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Saratoga, Calif., and the exorcist for the Diocese of San Jose, said he has seen notable improvements after exorcising homes and when he re-dedicated a church.

"I feel a little better. I guess."

He also cautioned against making a public announcement when exorcising a geographic area because there is usually backlash in the form of skepticism and ridicule.

I know, hard to believe.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad idea — just that, if it’s done, it should be done quietly.”

A nice low-key and private national exorcism, that's the ticket.

“It was Pope Benedict XVI who said that as faith diminishes, superstition increases.”

There is a certain irony.

I want you to know what your mother is doing in hell.

Father Mike Driscoll, chaplain of St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Ottawa, Ill., and author of the new book Demons, Deliverance, and Discernment, explained that, in addition to possession, demons can infest a place or thing. 

You all saw that creepy doll movie, right? 

“The average Joe reading this might think, ‘Oh, there must be a bunch of people possessed who need to be exorcised,’” said Father Driscoll, who is a licensed counselor.

An ordinary thought from an average man. "Golly. Must be a bunch of people possessed at my typical job where I earn the median national wage. Better get them exorcised, yup."

Father Patrick (not his real name) is a parish priest and also an exorcist for his U.S. diocese. He said that there are differences when exorcising a place rather than a person.

A demonic witness protection program, I guess.

“We want to shift superiority over an area to the angels, but there is still the ground level [response] that needs all the priests to engage in battle too.” 

We were promised lightning bolt from heaven strikes but no actual halos on the ground.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Obviously you are Not Catholic 

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

The entire country is in the grip of Satan.

An exorcism may take many days or years to perform at times depending on the amount of demons or djinn  

Save America…or copyrights. I guess the copyrights are more important.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.