Showing posts with label Red States. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Red States. Show all posts

Monday, March 28, 2016

Video Game Slush Pile: The Political Machine (2004)

As a Steam using Over Man I constantly have flat-pocket and distressingly limited free time thanks to the amazing quality and quantity of amazing PC strategy games it delivers like a morphine drip. It also means I've always got my eye out for the latest updates to franchises I was able to derive enjoyment from and hold back the crushing despair of existence with, which led me to purchase the latest Political Machine game on deep discount, having played the original over a decade previous.

Suffice it to say the new version is a massive disappointment, from the terrible graphics (What is with this trend of strategy games? You want terrible looking semi-3D, right strategy gamer?) to the shallow game-play that hasn't been significantly updated and has actually regressed in many ways. No primaries, no third parties, little in the way of random events, no campaign mode and a general sense that this was just a cash-grab aimed at people like myself who would buy it based on the title. Well, mission accomplished. Being able to play as Lord President Trump was small consolation.

The overall experience was so deflating it got me questioning whether this series was ever good to begin with and here we are with this Moon Landing tier event of finally inducting a PC game into the Video Game Slush Pile.

The cover art is just a reskinned version of the game "Vulture Wars."

 The concept of the game is simple enough: pick a candidate and win the now infamous 2004 "Anybody but Bush" election. The game offers a decent assortment of non-indicted criminals to chose from, including several individuals who, strictly speaking, aren't eligible to run (The Terminator Robot? Bill Clinton term three???). Each donor-controlled meat puppet is rated across several categories and, presumably, the ones other than "starting money" and "fund raising" have some effect on the game, although it was difficult for me to discern.

Once underway that game is a builder's paradise, assuming you don't mind having only one building and various commercials as options. Campaign Headquarters generate money and raise general awareness, while television, radio and newspaper advertisements can build up your issue ratings or attack your opponent on specific issues.

We ran out of budget and couldn't afford female pronouns.

There's a good range of issues to battle over. More controversial topics are more important to a majority voters while safe drivel like "More Jobs" or "Less Crime" won't hurt your support with anyone but also are lower tier in value. You win endorsements and hire specialists to further refine your image and even participate in amusing but largely useless interview mini-games. Beyond this the key to victory is to dominate the hot button issues with commercials, spread awareness and energy with your ground game and focus on key battleground states.

You can play through an entire campaign, unlocking defeated opponents from American history and facing an increasingly insane difficulty curve. I wasn't able to complete the campaign but I did reach the eighth candidate of ten (it was Ronald Reagan) which wasn't a bad run considering how much the odds are stacked against you at higher levels. 

Sort of like those Mortal Kombat towers but with more malaise and less beheading.

Graphics: The cartoon style on display here is superior in every possible way to the unaesthetic gunk offered up this year. Really.

Controls: You wouldn't think fast-twitch would be much of an issue, and you'd be wrong. To gain random campaign operatives you must be the first to fly to a state with a question mark in it and the AI is pretty brutal at getting there first at high levels. Sometimes you end of selecting multiple things, especially in smaller states on the default map size. Overall, it's good enough.

Depth: There's a full campaign, complete with unlockables. Each candidate should play slightly differently, at least in theory. You can create your own character as well, although this mode is fairly limited.

Overall: As an experimental title it's well worth a play. The same can not be said, obviously, of the garbage new version.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

News You Can't Use: Idiot Lights Himself On Fire For ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

Ice is good. It cures diseases and creates fifteen second videos rich in whimsy and wacky. Fire is not good. It burns us, it does. When the two are combined you would think that they would cancel each other out and create a sort of lukewarm "it's okay" or "it could be better." Instead the result is amazing. It defied my fearful and superstitious expectations regarding the natural world and ruined hair that had already been compromised by a hat. Let's head south to take the farr 'n' icy wadda challenge.

I mean, you like challenges, don't you? You're not some sort of sissy? Come on.

We never thought we’d see the day when the Fire Challenge and the Ice Bucket Challenge were united as one.

Oh no, our various societal St. Vitus dances are mutating and merging together into a sort of behavioral super virus!

Dubbed the Dumbest Man in the World by E!, the man in this YouTube video staged an absurd Ice Bucket Challenge wherein he lit his head on fire before dousing himself in ice water.

It's dumb, I'll concede that, but the dumbest man in the world? Seems pretty unlikely. All he did was try to imitate a stunt he probably saw the previous weekend at a monster truck rally. It's not like he bailed out bankers or something.

To make matters more absurd, he also equipped himself with a tiny stars-and-stripes-covered vest, camouflage cargo shorts, and a giant Confederate flag.

If you asked a New York liberal to create a "Red State Voter" from a ball of alluvial clay and then somehow breath life and semi-humanity into it, this would be the end result. 

The man, who identifies himself as “Cam,” is raring to go before the challenge starts. What could go wrong?

Welcome to Ice and Fire World, where nothing can possibly go wrong. Please enjoy what will certainly be the most memorable vacation of your life.

After taking a sip from his flask and spitting it out, Cam lights his hat on fire.

And with this sentence, the new golden age of American Literature began.

"I ain't takin' no census!"

Nanoseconds later, his entire head is engulfed in flames.

Rule of Komedy: Metric measurements for impossibly small quantities are pretty much always funny.

A friend dumps a bucket of water on his head, but it does nothing to extinguish the flames — in fact, the fire on his head only gets bigger. What is the actual science behind this?

Fire getting bigger...how does it work? Explain this one away, lying scientists. 

The two man reenactment of the Battle of Atlanta.

The idiotic man and his friend run off screen, the friend yelling, “Dude, roll on the fucking ground!”

Expect to see an animated Aardvark in the upcoming public school awareness campaign called "Stop, drop and roll on the fucking ground."

Thankfully, despite his head having been transformed into a great ball of fire, Cam re-appears on camera alive.

It would be a shame to lose a guy who is likely to cure diseases, write symphonies and/or do valuable hog farming labor to the personification of a Jerry Lee Lewis song.

“Dude, my hair’s fucked up,” he says, but he otherwise looks to be fine.

"This is gwine hurr mah male model creer."

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, designed to raise money to help fight disease, has also taken a dangerous turn. Earlier this week, we reported on the U.K. teen who died when dumped a bucket of water on his head, and proceeded to jump off an 80-foot cliff.

Take the "Gravity Challenge" to find a cure for Uncontrollable Salivating Syndrome!

We repeat: No amount of bodily harm is worth 15 seconds of Internet fame, people.

So you might want to skip the "Hitting Yourself with a Hammer Challenge."

Full Story.

Komment Korner

[Insert something unoriginal about Darwin awards here] [pretend I'm original]

gotta fill sorry for someone like this. who puts there very life @ Stake for some notoriety...

Did he think the "Don't try this at home" didn't apply if he went to a friend's house?

This guy suffers from Cranio-Rectal Syndrome.

Dumb, but no Darwin award this time.



Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.