DotTeeVee: X ARM - Rick Vardell vs Bond Laupua

If you unironically enjoyed the movie "Over the Top," think that metal cage in the corner of your gym is the "curl rack," derive pleasure from human misery and enjoy people at a table punching each other have I got the exciting new (from 2014, sorry) pseudo-sport to satisfy all your gun show and blood lust needs. It's X Arm, created by "The Godfather of the UFC" who wisely got out of that business by selling it for some glass beads at a point in time when that probably seemed like a good deal for him. One can't mourn over lost millions forever, instead we've got a new sport that's even better (not a truthful statement)! It might sound like a generic underarm product, but it's much, much more.

  I'll take the guy not currently being throat-punched.

The man that guided the Ultimate Fighting Championship when it had about a dozen loyal fans (I would know, I was one of them) at least seems cheerful and upbeat about his new, doomed venture. He tells "Gary" that we're going to see a combination of "hardcore arm-wrestling, kickboxing and jiu-jitsu. Well, that or two anthropological curiosities happy slapping each other while a table gets in the way, but let's take our time and allow this video to unfold like the beautiful flower that it is.

Also there's a ten thousand dollar first prize, or as the UFC would call it "The amount of money we spent on doors during the Rampage Jackson season of our television show."

Let's meet the fighters! Rick Vardell is highly decorated in arm wrestling! He's big! Unfortunately, we're doing the "hardcore" version, so I'm not sure if the skills will translate. Meanwhile his opponent Bond Laupua has a kickboxing background and a bit of an attitude. He calls his hulking opponent a "marshmallow" and promises to "melt him." Meanwhile the man running the risk of being the central ingredient in a S'more isn't afraid of being hit and feels being strong might give an edge in a test of strength. 

We also introduce an aspiring actress, but she promptly goes away, further adding to the already surreal and dreamlike qualities of the proceedings.

The defending champion.

Now the formal introductions, full of useful information like the fact that Bond is actually the heavier man, despite what was implied earlier. Yeah, the introduction video was somewhat misleading. Next you'll tell me those early UFC tomato cans weren't really 88-0 in bare knuckle challenge matches. Also, Vardell is 46 years old. Never has the phrase "Too old for this shit" been more appropriate.

Both competitors are wearing colorful outfits that call to mind a re-imagining of the Power Rangers as giant, doughy middle-agers with attitude. We run down some rules and I'm glad the tradition of endless talk while waiting for fights is still alive and well here. Pin the arm, knock the guy out, decision, the usual stuff. Time to make "becoming an X Arm judge" my new and best life ambition.

 Please approach this comedy club table and prepare for glory.

Art Davie thinks Vardell has the edge, what with his "big arm." This quality analysis wisely ignores the fact our prohibitive favorite is doing a goofy dance during the interminable preparation phase for some reason. The modern gladiators are harnessed together and this is starting to look more like something the NEA would fund than the death fight we were promised. Unconventional desires notwithstanding, it's time to tape the hands together with duct tape, which we are told can hold together anything. Airplanes, for example. Talk about a missed sponsorship opportunity. Maybe this guy isn't as good at business as his impressive track record would suggest.

Also the referee is Cal Worsham, one of the competitors in an extreme no-rules cage fighting match that was described as "all I saw was swingin'." 

The bell is gone and the human game of chess quickly breaks down into awkward brawling. It's nothing but big hands as they're feeding each other the meat candy! I don't know about this, we're forgetting it's supposed to be about the Sport of Cheaters, not table boxing. Vardell gets the worst of it and is "almost defenseless!" leaning away where he can't be reached to survive. Yes, adding harnesses and a table makes the "kickboxing" better, of course it would.

"He's thrown his game plan out!" Everyone has a plan for pinning the back of your hand against a flat surface while taped and harnessed together, until they get hit.

Youth might give you an advantage in Stockton Slap competitions, but don't underestimate the experience and cunning of age, as Vardell jumps up on the table and attempts to put Lapua in a straight arm-lock. Unfortunately, a red flag is thrown, because you're not a real sport unless officials are throwing snot rags or whatever. That's the end of that bit of excitement, thank goodness. Let's get back to the awkward striking.

Despite the penalty, it's another arm-bar attempt, immediately. I mean, they can't call it illegal every time you do it, can they? Time is now the enemy, however, as only ten seconds remain. Sure enough, Bond is saved by the bell.

 Welcome to a Brazilian nightclub.

The announcers heap praise on the "underdog," who despite being younger and heavier was somehow able to lay heavy leather on his grizzled opponent. Vardell's face is starting to look like uncooked meat, so we're clearly not playin' up in hee-ah. It may have been a 10-8 round, but no explanation on the flag from Art, sadly. I created this sport and I don't know what the rules are. 

Round Two! More unanswered punches from Lapua! And it's already over! Call me crazy, but that round seemed much, much shorter. Oh well, probably time compression caused by the Maslowian peak experience I'm having viewing this incredible "sport." 

Vardell is starting to look like he went through the windshield in a car crash, but there's one round left and anything can still happen!

Final round! Our heroes play to the crowd and then we get a scene reminiscent of "Rocky" (why not bring in another Stallone film, right?) as the older and more badly hurt contender mounts a valorous comeback in the eleventh hour. He's coming on strong with looping punches! This is the most inspiring thing I've ever witnessed! He's gonna do it! 

Then it ends and the other guy wins.

After the match the loser vows to "come back some day," maybe when he's in his fifties, and X Arm is an international billion dollar property. This is clearly the sport of the future and you've still got a big part to play in it. I can't wait!

Komment Korner  

this is the dumbest shit ive ever seen.

Most cringe-tastic thing I've ever seen in my life. Thank you, now I'll need a truck or two of mind bleach.

OMG, I am literally blown away, and in another way...offended, at how dumb this is. This is offensively dumb. It's so dumb, that it hurts my feelings.

even if you win, your still a loser

Here I was, thinking chess-boxing was the most idiotic thing mankind could possibly come up with.

...??!!!..Organised BARfights...  Rounds...???.... nice...!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Fighting Fantasy: Creature of Havok

I took a long vacation from this series after my attempt at Deathtrap Dungeon went about as poorly as possible and ended in ignominious death from heat exhaustion. Since then I've been reluctant to try another from this series, perhaps because most of these books are poorly designed with item scavenger hunts, one true paths where the first decision you make causes you to lose but you won't know it for thirty minutes, and tough, unavoidable fights that insure if you had a poor initial roll-up you will die. For all these flaws, there is a certain perverse charm to this series and some of the books make up for your almost certain failure with creative ideas. "Creature" is one of these, because you get to play as a monster! You'll still die, of course, but on the other hand Monster Fudging Hero. Aw, yeah.

 Notary publics...of eeeevilll!!!!

Apparently there's a law of conservation of righteousness that states that for every way rad idea there must also be a total bummer, dude. In this book said bummer comes in the form of a twenty page introduction. I gave it a glance and said to myself "You know what? No." This decision was immediately vindicated by the author admitting on the last page that it's basically useless and might even work against you. In other words all of his lame fantasy novel ideas that publishers had rejected were vomited out in the literary equivalent of the solitary vice. Twenty pages of drivel like "Stittle Wood" and "The Innocent Traitor" and the big reward is a giant middle finger at the end. I really can't get over this. Introductions that are concise, well-written and relevant usually still seem unnecessary and this pile was none of the above. 

Suck it, Steve Jackson.

With the first enemy, the pointless background, soundly defeated I'm liking my chances. Until I roll up my creature and get the lowest possible Skill. This monster is apparently half-blind, clumsy and afflicted with sudden falling down syndrome. On the other hand I rolled a high Luck, so there's that. Also in combat if you roll the same number on both dice you automatically win, so that "Skill 7" isn't the automatic death sentence it would be in a lot of these books. Well, let's get this mother on.

I wake up in agony in some underground corridor. The presence of scales and spines quickly confirms I'm some terrible monster which, again, is totally awesome. I've got no memory and am totally disoriented and operating on instinct. See, this is a great opening. Why we needed a twenty page self-abuse marathon that I feel like tearing out of the book and feeding to a fire is again raised as a very valid question.

I encounter a dwarf and try to talk to him. In another cool bit his speech is completely garbled. After he takes a stab I crush his body, cracking ribs like "twigs." Don't get me angry, Gimli, bad things will happen.

Dwarves never seem to fare very well.

I try to leave, but my legs don't obey. Instead I search the body, ignoring gold as worthless and instead taking a piece of leather covered in incomprehensible script. I blunder around in confusion for a bit. Then I encounter your classic Fighter, Thief, Wizard adventuring party! I guess the Cleric is on sick leave or something. I immediately begin mauling a "hobbit." Man, this book is nothing but murdering Lord of the Rings characters. 

The hobbit dies easily and I interrupt an attempted spell by the magician via claws to the face. Then I roll doubles and one-shot the Knight. Total Party Kill! Their bodies are then devoured, restoring my health. Yes, these books were intended for a younger audience, why do you ask? 

Light Warriors? I, Skill 7 Monster Hero will knock you down!

I come across more dead bodies that are apparently being cannibalized by some invisible creature. I try to get out of there, which at least demonstrates an awareness of my limitations. Unfortunately, this attempt fails and I'm forced to battle Flesh Feeders (!!!) that at least have the common courtesy to "materialize" before attacking. The odd chivalry of the skin eaters allows me to eventually win the fight, but not before losing most of my stamina. Yeah, that low Skill is becoming an issue.

These guys would love this book. Well, not that b.s. background, but the rest of it.

More cannibalism of the corpse variety is attempted, but the "orcs" don't taste very good, as Gollum could have told me. Instead I open a flask, releasing purple gas. It forms into a face and mutters a paragraph of incomprehensible nothing. Still better than that twenty page introduction. For all this, I get rewarded with some "Luck." 

Following another hallway I quickly encounter more adventurers. Man, that evil notary from the cover or whoever owns this place should put down pest strips or something. This is ridiculous! The dice totally turn on me and I'm killed by some goof named "Strong Arm." So ends the amazing story of the dwarf crushing, dead body eating, purple gas confronting Monster Hero. You were too beautiful for this world, my friend.

 An ordinary, albeit strong-armed, guy who can kick a monster's ass.

Another short run. The dice absolutely hated me this time and in the end a run of bad rolls is tougher than any Creature of Havoc. Overall, this is a good one. I like how the dice direct your early decisions, but as you regain awareness you are allowed to start making your own choices. Playing a monster is fun, too, especially when you can wreck hapless J.R.R. Tolkien knock-offs with a single hit. I'd say check this one out, just be sure to skip that introduction!

 

Enter this death metal band's name to prove you're not a robot.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.