News You Can't Use: Couple Caught Having Oral Sex In Dining Room At McDonald’s

Coming up with the perfect night out can get hard (this is the first of many double entendres this story will produce, the rest will be ignored, leaving the schoolgirl giggling implied). You could go all out and be creative, maybe a hot air balloon, scuba diving or going behind the dumpster of the last remaining video rental store in America. However, as the kids say, let's please to be keeping it real when doing the needful. After all, these sexually charged interactions are supposed to be about genuine human connection, shared emotions and feelings, birds suddenly appearing, that sort of thing. With this in mind, performing the French Act in a fast food dining room under the shadows of the children's play area is just as good as any idea network television might try to subliminally insert (ha ha, insert. Whoops, sorry) into your mind.

Meet Conrad Jablecki. 

I'd really rather not. Even considering he's the real-life version of "I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Perverts in the top ten, please allow me to bump thee.

The 30-year-old Maryland man has been charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after he engaged in oral sex with a woman in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s, cops report.

You can tell a society is corrupt by all the laws, man. You can't legislate morality, stop trying. Besides, we can't even FEED everyone, but have time to worry about nightstick polishing in Mayor McCheese's city. Our priorities, man. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

According to investigators, Jablecki and a woman--who has yet to be apprehended--trysted publicly on a Thursday afternoon in March. 

It's customary for the gentleman to shoulder all the open lewdness charges on a date, unless you agreed in advance to split them.

A McDonald’s worker spotted the duo’s illicit activity and chased them from the restaurant in York.

This is the citizen of the year. When I was flipping burgers I was mostly in a stuporous haze of self-pity and alcohol hangover effects and not exactly on high-alert for catching illicit activity.

Jablecki, who lives about 40 miles south of the McDonald’s, was charged Monday in a District Court criminal complaint.

A one hour drive just to perform sex acts during the calorie load. Maybe there's an In-N-Out Burger closer to your home. Let your fingers do the walking, dudemar.

Just thought I'd stop in for some of the old in-out, in-out. Er, Burgers, that is.

Jablecki’s rap sheet includes convictions this year for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. 

On tonight's episode of The Petty Crime Profiler...

In 2012, Jablecki was sentenced to 60 days in jail and placed on probation for two years in connection with charges that he exposed himself to a woman and her five-year-old daughter on a Maryland beach.

Genuine class.

According to his Facebook page, Jablecki works for a landscaping firm.

Really? My guess would have been medical doctor, contract lawyer or maybe senator.

In posts last year, Jablecki wrote about seeking “A bad bitch W/ mean head game” and “a Girl who is a SupaFreak+Funny+Down to Earth+spontaneous+Drama-Free+Sense of Humor+Easy to conversate with jus talk About Everything an Anything!”

In fairness, it might be difficult to conversate and/or jus talk when your mouth is full.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I guess they were overcome by the romantic ambiance of their beloved Golden Arches.

Is that what Mickey D's means by "Real Grown-up Taste"?

A real Lady Gaga

he must have voted for Hillary and is getting his reward B.J. Hint for the police "Madonna"

Land of the free and home of the brave. I am so proud to be an American.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Demons

I went through a phase where I thought the World Almanac was a neat thing. As luck would have it this temporary divorce from reality occurred right around the millennial roll-over when all those two digit electronic calendars went crazy and society ended or maybe that didn’t happen, whatever. The point is, the millennial edition of the Book of Facts was packed with lists documenting the most important handful of items in diverse categories that the last thousand laps around old yeller had produced.
   
One of the categories was dedicated to great works of literature, specifically ones that were considered to have lasting importance and Big Ideas. It was put together by some guy named John Updike, it that is his real name. All the usual super heavyweights make the scene. Dante, Cervantes, Joyce...Gibbon? Yeah, even some non-fiction made the cut, somehow. There was one that I wasn’t familiar with, The Possessed by Dostoevsky. So I read it.
   
It’s a total fucking mess. I loved it.
   
Yes, one of a handful of books worthy of representing a four digit block of years is a disaster by just about any technical standard you want to apply. Where to even begin? Let’s just start with a relatively minor issue: a significant portion of the dialogue is in untranslated French. Sacre Bleu. Combine this with Dostoevsky’s tendency to have characters deliver conversation filibusters rather than the more realistic “back and forth” you might notice when people talk in the real world and it's hard going.
   
Again, that’s one of the minor, background problems.
   
There’s a deleted chapter. This is notable because it creates a giant hole in the narrative and because its deletion was completely and totally justified. I’m not advocating for censorship, but when you create a few dozen pages as confusing, tonally inappropriate and downright unnecessary as “Stavrogin’s Confession” I’m perfectly content to accept “he was going to see a priest, but I guess it never happened” as an alternative.
   
Then the center issue: the first two-thirds of this not exactly svelte novel are largely meaningless. I’m dead serious. Plot points are built up that never pay off, characters are established only to be cast aside and complex relationships that aren’t important are discussed in lavish detail. The final third is so far removed from all of this it might as well be its own novel.

   
The thing is, that last third is absolutely excellent and completely unforgettable. All is forgiven and then some.
   
You can make mistakes.
   
One of the best novels of an arbitrary twelve thousand month period has a four hundred page false start. It certainly puts the idea of the “sagging middle” into perspective. It was still savable. Maybe that uncooperative failed manuscript is, too.
   
It’s at least something to think about. Along with the fact all these millennial lists were actually in the 1998 edition, now that I went and checked. That doesn’t even make sense. Maybe the “real list” came out the next year with Crime and Punishment subbed in and no non-fiction, but by then I’d stopped reading glorified phone books in favor of cocktail guides so you’ll have to ask someone else.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.