Fighting Fantasy: Creature of Havok

I took a long vacation from this series after my attempt at Deathtrap Dungeon went about as poorly as possible and ended in ignominious death from heat exhaustion. Since then I've been reluctant to try another from this series, perhaps because most of these books are poorly designed with item scavenger hunts, one true paths where the first decision you make causes you to lose but you won't know it for thirty minutes, and tough, unavoidable fights that insure if you had a poor initial roll-up you will die. For all these flaws, there is a certain perverse charm to this series and some of the books make up for your almost certain failure with creative ideas. "Creature" is one of these, because you get to play as a monster! You'll still die, of course, but on the other hand Monster Fudging Hero. Aw, yeah.

 Notary publics...of eeeevilll!!!!

Apparently there's a law of conservation of righteousness that states that for every way rad idea there must also be a total bummer, dude. In this book said bummer comes in the form of a twenty page introduction. I gave it a glance and said to myself "You know what? No." This decision was immediately vindicated by the author admitting on the last page that it's basically useless and might even work against you. In other words all of his lame fantasy novel ideas that publishers had rejected were vomited out in the literary equivalent of the solitary vice. Twenty pages of drivel like "Stittle Wood" and "The Innocent Traitor" and the big reward is a giant middle finger at the end. I really can't get over this. Introductions that are concise, well-written and relevant usually still seem unnecessary and this pile was none of the above. 

Suck it, Steve Jackson.

With the first enemy, the pointless background, soundly defeated I'm liking my chances. Until I roll up my creature and get the lowest possible Skill. This monster is apparently half-blind, clumsy and afflicted with sudden falling down syndrome. On the other hand I rolled a high Luck, so there's that. Also in combat if you roll the same number on both dice you automatically win, so that "Skill 7" isn't the automatic death sentence it would be in a lot of these books. Well, let's get this mother on.

I wake up in agony in some underground corridor. The presence of scales and spines quickly confirms I'm some terrible monster which, again, is totally awesome. I've got no memory and am totally disoriented and operating on instinct. See, this is a great opening. Why we needed a twenty page self-abuse marathon that I feel like tearing out of the book and feeding to a fire is again raised as a very valid question.

I encounter a dwarf and try to talk to him. In another cool bit his speech is completely garbled. After he takes a stab I crush his body, cracking ribs like "twigs." Don't get me angry, Gimli, bad things will happen.

Dwarves never seem to fare very well.

I try to leave, but my legs don't obey. Instead I search the body, ignoring gold as worthless and instead taking a piece of leather covered in incomprehensible script. I blunder around in confusion for a bit. Then I encounter your classic Fighter, Thief, Wizard adventuring party! I guess the Cleric is on sick leave or something. I immediately begin mauling a "hobbit." Man, this book is nothing but murdering Lord of the Rings characters. 

The hobbit dies easily and I interrupt an attempted spell by the magician via claws to the face. Then I roll doubles and one-shot the Knight. Total Party Kill! Their bodies are then devoured, restoring my health. Yes, these books were intended for a younger audience, why do you ask? 

Light Warriors? I, Skill 7 Monster Hero will knock you down!

I come across more dead bodies that are apparently being cannibalized by some invisible creature. I try to get out of there, which at least demonstrates an awareness of my limitations. Unfortunately, this attempt fails and I'm forced to battle Flesh Feeders (!!!) that at least have the common courtesy to "materialize" before attacking. The odd chivalry of the skin eaters allows me to eventually win the fight, but not before losing most of my stamina. Yeah, that low Skill is becoming an issue.

These guys would love this book. Well, not that b.s. background, but the rest of it.

More cannibalism of the corpse variety is attempted, but the "orcs" don't taste very good, as Gollum could have told me. Instead I open a flask, releasing purple gas. It forms into a face and mutters a paragraph of incomprehensible nothing. Still better than that twenty page introduction. For all this, I get rewarded with some "Luck." 

Following another hallway I quickly encounter more adventurers. Man, that evil notary from the cover or whoever owns this place should put down pest strips or something. This is ridiculous! The dice totally turn on me and I'm killed by some goof named "Strong Arm." So ends the amazing story of the dwarf crushing, dead body eating, purple gas confronting Monster Hero. You were too beautiful for this world, my friend.

 An ordinary, albeit strong-armed, guy who can kick a monster's ass.

Another short run. The dice absolutely hated me this time and in the end a run of bad rolls is tougher than any Creature of Havoc. Overall, this is a good one. I like how the dice direct your early decisions, but as you regain awareness you are allowed to start making your own choices. Playing a monster is fun, too, especially when you can wreck hapless J.R.R. Tolkien knock-offs with a single hit. I'd say check this one out, just be sure to skip that introduction!

 

Enter this death metal band's name to prove you're not a robot.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

Fighting Fantasy: Deathtrap Dungeon

Last time I tried a gamebook I was deeply immersed in the truly outrageous world of fictional eighties pop star Jem. These amazing adventures were sadly cut short by remembering that I was in a band and portraying a woman, even such an outrageous one, left me feeling less than manly. To solve this problem it's time to travel to the senselessly violent world of Fighting Fantasy and take on a dungeon that has nothing to do with debauched CEOs whipping and dominating submissive women and everything to do with death served up with a side of awesome.

No costume jewelry accounts to worry about here.

The story is minimalist, but what is there delivers the goods big time. To generate commerce and tourism a local ruler decides to create a deadly underground maze that is opened once every year. Phony tough and crazy brave volunteers are then sent in, to die. This, we are told, attracts huge crowds. You would think the appeal of watching delusional individuals enter a hole in the ground never to be seen again would be somewhat limited. It would be like going to a football game, watching your team enter a closed stadium but not being allowed in yourself and three hours later hearing an announcement that they lost. Actually, that does sound a lot like most of the games I went to, with beer and grilled food added. I retract my criticism.

I like the medicine balls attached to the skeletons.

How does our hero fit into all of this, you ask? Well, I saw an announcement and thought "Hey, I'm a homicidal and suicidal lunatic, this is perfect!" Yeah, that's the story. I used one of the pregenerated characters the reprint offers. I'm a vaguely Teutonic stereotype named Arran Gottspeed. He's a big dude that might have some giant in him (mom, how could you?) and his fighting style consists of rushing forward swinging wildly and hoping for the best. The good news is he's hard to hurt, the bad news is he's going to get hurt a lot. Also, he's unlucky, but that whole "Mom might have gotten it on with a Giant" thing already told us that.

I'm pretty big, so getting through deadly traps should be no problem.

The big day arrives and I'm joined by my fellow doomed contenders: two barbarians, a knight, a sexy elf woman and a ninja. The knight draws the short straw and enters first, followed by one of the barbarians (how deflating must it be to show up only to discover there's another barbarian already entered. It's the male equivalent of when two women wear the same dress to a party.) then the ninja. Finally it's my turn. Still playing to the crowd I venture bravely into certain danger.

"You told me you were going to be a Cleric. Gah, I'm so angry with you."

Entering a dark corridor I'm greeted by the first deadly trap: a box with my name on it. Since there are no corpses of the previous entrants next to their respective boxes I decide it's safe to open. I'm rewarded with two gold pieces (for the burgeoning economy of an underground maze built to kill anyone who enters) and a mocking letter full of half-clues. I tear up the letter and strut off, feeling pretty confident after defeating a piece of paper. 

I reach a left-right turn, complete with an arrow pointing west painted on the wall. This reminds me of how they ruined the Cheese Maze at the local "Chuck E Cheese" by painting similar arrows inside it. Sure kids would get lost and a few died or became feral cannibals, but it was worth it for the "fun" of blundering around similar looking hallways before going down a slide.

Nothing says a good time like a mascot inspired by vermin.

Showing awesome non-conformity powers I take the road less traveled. I run into some sort of "obstruction" but it's too dark to tell what it is. This could be more vague, I guess. "There's something, of some sort, ahead of you. What do?" Forward.

It's a large, brown "boulder like" object that also turns out to be "spongy." Based on the "attack first and probably never bother thinking" approach that typifies a guy that might have giant DNA, I hack at it with my sword. I'm reward with a face full of spores and end up scratching my "itching lumps."

Watcha gonna do with all those spores, all those spores in a spongy boulder-like object?

Still itching my badly inflamed skin I enter a portion of tunnel where it starts getting hot. Probably nothing. I'm offered a chance to drink a "clear liquid" in some bamboo, but decide that it probably isn't super clean, considering this is a dungeon and all. I struggle on in the intense heat, because turning back isn't an option for some reason. I fail the only die roll I've made so far, fall to the "near-molten floor of the tunnel" and die. My last thoughts are of my unknown father and why he hated me so much that he ran off. Maybe with a proper male role model I wouldn't have developed an interest in death sports and would have been taught that near-molten surfaces = bad.

The critically panned video game inspired by this book. Pixelated rears =/ automatic good reviews.

And so another one of these attempts comes to a highly inglorious conclusion. Apparently the bamboo water would have saved me, or just rolling an eight or lower on two dice. Let's face it, Arran Gottspeed was basically fucked at birth. There's actually a lot of cool stuff in this book I didn't get to talk about because of my super-poor run: the blood beast, a T-Rex (!), a chance to fight the ninja, a homage to classic D&D and a lot more. Instead I got killed by heat. 

 The End.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.