Which Way Super Powers: The Doomsday Prophecy

I am darkness. I am the night. I am the gosh darn Batman! Well, not really, but through the miracle of a 1986 Which Way book the illusion is nearly seamless. Yes, in addition to creating lazy third-rate Choose Your Own Adventure knock-offs, the Which Way series also obtained a license to use DC Comics characters like that Super guy and the flying rodent ninja. I really can't overstate what a big deal this poorly written and generally work-shy series was in its day: Simon & Schuster as a publisher, major crossover marketing, huge sales, it was all there. This is why any sensible individual would set their time machine for the mid-eighties. In any case, The Dark Knight! I'm having trouble controlling my hype level, even with the "Which Way" logo right there, mocking me and ensuring this one will be disappointing, at best.

This is gonna be totally rad!

The first let-down happens almost immediately, with the book being written in the third person. Yes, instead of being the hero Gotham deserves I'll merely be directing his actions at critical points. I really can't stress how disappointing this is. "Kids won't actually wanna be The Bat," I imagine a bloated money man shouting at the author. "So write this in a different style than all the other Which Way books. Now, it's time for me to go swim in money." This is almost certainly what happened.

Anyways, Bat Man (not me, him, gah) is driving toward the Bat Symbol when it's replaced with a "DEATH'S HEAD." Yes, that's the original capitalization. It must be some kind of set-up, possibly leading to DOOM!!! This is probably the worst first page in any of these books, combining being forced into the role of a largely passive observer with the shouting text and awful plot hook. Stick to bad television reception as a motivator, Which Way.

Meanwhile, the illustration of the Batmobile suggests the goofy television show and not the dark brooding hero of the movies. This is going to hurt. A lot.

I instruct the former League of Shadows disciple to radio Commissioner Gordon to see what the trouble is. He tells us it's not a big deal and the signal is being fixed and sometimes you get random DEATH'S HEAD issues with giant lamps, it's really nothing. Instead, I need to go to Washington D.C. for a 4th of July celebration because nothing spells summer fun like the grim protector of a decadent and dying city shaking hands and officiating the three-legged-race. You can't really argue with this logic.

Mr. Batman goes to Washington.

Naturally, Batman is greeted by Fake News immediately upon arriving at the swamp on the Potomac. Specifically, The Riddler has promised "the end of Batman," now that he's done "hacking" the 1984 election, I guess. Time to rush over to the White House and protect The Gipper from the least intimidating villain ever.

Then there's riddles and the power goes out. If there had been a Timothy Nolan movie with the Riddler, this would have been the plot, I guarantee it. The last student of Ra's al Ghul then solves a riddle and rushes over to the U.S. Mint to stop a "heist." This is the dark, gritty and intelligent action that we were promised. Riddler and his goons are waiting and attempt to crush the nocturnal predator with a giant novelty coin. Yeah. Really.

Our secret weapon to defeat Mr. Brexit and the Catalon Crusader.

Using a grappling hook Batman is able to redirect the coin and it somehow bounces around and defeats Mr. Question Mark and his goons. It's then explained that the plan was to "destroy the economy" with a glut of worthless money, which sounds more like an evil scheme from Soros Man than Edward Nigma's fey alter-ego. All is well, though, because we saved our currency from being deliberately debased by powerful evil figures and I'm sure we'll never end up 20 trillion in debt or whatever now.

I'll use fiat currency against the caped clod!

This wasn't, you know, "good," or anything, but it was short and forgettable. Since this is the goal of every Which Way book, it has to be considered a success, at least on some level. Also, nothing that happened had anything to do with either "doomsday" or "prophecy," but I guess "The Prancing Federal Reserve Criminal" is a strictly inferior as a title choice, false advertisement notwithstanding.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Crazy Ralph's 2015 Predictions

As we face the prospect of another exciting revolution around a mediocre and uncaring sun, who better than a tertiary character from a 1980 slasher film to put everything into perspective? Whether biking around, warning campers or being garrotted in the middle of voyeurism he's definitely the man with the plan for the year to come.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Cobra's Economic Recovery Plan

You would think you could safely dismiss eighties cartoons designed to sell low-quality plastic toys as a source of cutting edge political commentary, but you'd be completely in error to do so. From old episodes of "Silverhawks" that explored flat tax proposals to the questions of rule of law and human rights frequently raised by "Central Organization of Police Specialists" these cheaply animated and lazily written morality plays are an absolute gold mine of complex socio-political theorizing as opposed to our televised news programs which are little more than reheated Soviet-era Pravda with better make-up and hair styles and less "That's Vodka For You!" humorous asides.

Consider today's subject, lifted from "G.I. Joe." Even without the Big Ideas that inevitably took center stage it was a memorable cartoon, teaching a generation that war is a bloodless theme park ride where the most effective weapon is the human fist. Seriously, the laser guns that were heavily featured are completely incapable of hitting a biological target (vehicles and robots get torn to bits, oddly enough). Instead five to the face is the most effective anti-terrorism countermeasure. The only problem is there are at least a few problems that can't be defeated by punching them. Problems like fiat currency, the gold standard and how evil anthropomorphic snake monsters can turn them against us.

The clip starts in typical cartoon villain fashion, with the "whatever device" de jour being prepared for a trial run in the headquarters of the malevolent COBRA organization, a sort of non-denominational group dedicated to trolling the world with ill-conceived evil. I'm talking things like defacing the moon or shooting mind control rays into our loved ones, all too typical and banal. Well, today's psychotic prank is going to be a little more original.

Let's declare victory now, I'm sure this arrogance won't come back to bite me later.

The device is activated by a man with a metal head who still seems capable of showing the full range of facial movement despite this rather obvious disability. A stack of money, the poor innocent victim of these monsters, bursts into flames. No, anything but that! Cobra Commander celebrates in his typical over the top and more than a little effeminate fashion. Stoic and capable are two words we're not going to be using to describe this man-snake villain. 

Meanwhile some of our heroes are apparently gambling while on duty (they all have their impractical and totally unique uniforms on). Apparently the stakes are pretty high based on the pile of cash in the center of the table, which I find a little hard to believe in light of the fact that even high-ranking officers in charge of our nuclear arsenal can't afford this sort of problem gambling. Anyway, we quickly check off the usual poker game cliches (Gotta pay to see 'em, too rich for my blood, who dealt this mess, where's my luck, etc) and get a chance to highlight the half-assed nature of this show in a long shot where the cards and table are the same color to save the animators several precious minutes of giving the cards actual backs. Later the cards will have red backs, but who honestly cares. We're here to learn Austrian School Economics, after all.

 

The pre-9-11 American military.

The purpose of this scene, of course, is so the money can explode, thus alerting our heroes to the latest menace facing the Free World. The fact that this makes them look somewhat less than pro-active and even derelict in their duty doesn't really matter since it efficiently moves the plot forward and we've got toys to sell here. Money being attacked. This is bad. Got it.

              If we gambled with matchsticks like normal soldiers this wouldn't have happened.

Democracy's last line of defense panics and then lapses into empty threats, which I have to concede is a pretty accurate depiction of what would really happen in such a crisis. Cobra Commander then appears on the big screen to drop exposition on us, essentially rendering this goofy scene meaningless. He delivers what resembles a mid-term election soft-money ad (Call Snake Eyes and tell him our children matter!) more than villainous blackmail, going on about the irresponsible fiscal policy of our leaders, economic restructuring ("This is awesome!" says eight-year-old Timmy) and "the worthless green paper your government has deceived you into thinking is valuable." Yes friends, "End the Fed" was inspired by this episode.

While the horrific serpent-man announces his Tea Party candidacy we get various wacky vignettes of an ATM machine dispensing handfuls of ash, money burning in some woman's wall safe and a used car dealership interaction where both the lemon and the money paid for it self-destruct. Anyone who says this show can't do intentional humor needs to check themselves, this stuff is top shelf.

 Home Alone Part 27: Abandoned in Assisted Living.

Justifiably outraged citizens gather around the treasury building chanting "We Want Money!" Well I think it's the treasury. It's either that or another Democratic Party Presidential Convention. Inside, the money is all ruined while some civilian that doesn't even get his own action figure talks doom and gloom. Apparently there's massive rioting and looting and the only way to restore order is to somehow revive the fiction that inked-up pieces of cloth have actual value. In summary, "printing new currency," which should always be the go-to solution for everything, is off the table. 

We need you to tell us who this "John Galt" is.

While our special forces gripe ineffectually, Cobra Commander has apparently purchased more television time. I have a feeling this episode ends with G.I. Joe proposing campaign finance reform laws. This time the terrorist leader is announcing "Cobra's Economic Recovery Plan." You know, as evil as this guy is even he wouldn't bail out bankers, so I'm willing to listen. Like any good politician he reminds us of the children (sadly no "folks," "good book," or "God's green Earth) and demands we bring all our goods to a legitimate business he apparently runs when he's not shrinking world leaders or sending "trouble bubbles" to shoot at various military hardware.

What do we get for our worldly possessions? The answer, of course, is a return to the Gold Standard via "Cobra Currency." I mean, I don't support carving the Cobra symbol into the moon or anything, but compared to 18 trillion and counting in debt this seems pretty reasonable. G.I. Joe is all "I can't believe this idiot revealed where his secret corporate base is" and with that the clip ends. Will our heroes save us from being nailed to the Cross of Gold or will the great and noble Federal Reserve fall to pure evil? Tune in next week, I guess.

 Hope and Change.

Komment Korner

I can't believe that a cartoon is actually showing what is going to happen in 2018.

HOLY SHIT COBRA COMMANDER IS A LIBERTARIAN

COBRA/PAUL 2016

It is a scary thought that the good guys had the snakes on their chest.

I would vote for cobra.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: California Man Faces 13 Years in Jail for Scribbling Anti-bank Messages in Chalk

Punishing the enemies of a bank as harshly as possible is just another example of the freedoms that our heroes fought for in the Spanish-American war or whatever. You don't want to mess with the bank. Somehow having money also seems to attract powerful friends. I know, pretty unbelievable. These friends include crusading messiah-complex judges who will give more prison time for writing "Goldman Sachs Sux" in chalk then for, say, killing someone.

Jeff Olson, the 40-year-old man who is being prosecuted for scrawling anti-megabank messages on sidewalks in water-soluble chalk last year now faces a 13-year jail sentence.

If I ever formed a rap-heavy metal crossover group I'd call it Megabank, or maybe Blingtallica. Seriously, we need to distinguish between the megabank and that mom-and-pop bank in your small town with one location in the feed store and three figures worth of total assets.

A judge has barred his attorney from mentioning freedom of speech during trial.

A judge has realized he can do anything he wants with little, if any, accountability and is now indulging his sick power fantasies, leaving a trail of ruined lives.

Arrested, given show trial where valid defenses were illegal, sentenced to thirty years.

In addition to possibly spending years in jail, Olson will also be held liable for fines of up to $13,000 over the anti-big-bank slogans that were left using washable children's chalk on a sidewalk outside of three San Diego, California branches of Bank of America, the massive conglomerate that received $45 billion in interest-free loans from the US government in 2008-2009 in a bid to keep it solvent after bad bets went south.

Do we really have to keep bringing up that little "we destroyed the economy and possibly civilization with it" mistake? It's that kind of thinking that leads to chalk-wielding monsters who should be locked away forever. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to take my interest-free loan from the taxpayers and bet it all on "red."

"The State's Vandalism Statute does not mention First Amendment rights," ruled Judge Shore on Tuesday.

A judge truly is a law student who gets to grade his own papers.

Put her in jail!

Upon exiting the courtroom Olson seemed to be in disbelief. "Oh my gosh," he said. "I can't believe this is happening."
 

OMG, megabanks are, like, so creepy LOL. 

"I've never heard that before, that a court can prohibit an argument of First Amendment rights," said Tosdal.

In unrelated news the novel 1984 is now enjoying a resurgence of popularity in the U.S.A.

Olson continued to protest outside of Bank of America. In February 2012, he came across a box of chalk at a local pharmacy and decided to begin leaving his mark with written statements. "I thought it was a perfect way to get my message out there. Much better than handing out leaflets or holding a sign," says Olson.

Best laid plans, mice and men, etc, etc.

Over the course of the next six months Olson visited the Bank of America branch a few days per week, leaving behind scribbled slogans such as "Stop big banks" and "Stop Bank Blight.com."

In fairness that website is primarily concerned with selling pesticides and fertilizers to keep the plants inside the bank as healthy as possible.

According to Olson, who spoke with local broadcaster KGTV, one Bank of America branch claimed it had cost $6,000 to clean up the chalk writing.

...and yet there's still a few cranks who worry that all that bailout money was mismanaged. 

Receive government bail-out of freshly printed worthless fiat currency, collect $45 Billion.

On April 15, Deputy City Attorney Paige Hazard contacted Freeman with a response on his persistent queries. "I wanted to let you know that we will be filing 13 counts of vandalism as a result of the incidents you reported," said Hazard.

On tonight's Megabanks of Hazard: Around about that time them Duke boys were etchin' them bank blight messages on a side walk. Well, the Deputy City Attorney was fixin' to get even. Them boys better hope a judge doesn't get as crazy as a run over possum and ban the first amendment...

Full Story. 

Komment Korner  

He should just be lucky he wasn't in the tea party, would of been tried for 20 years.

Welcome to America the land of slave.

Cause spray paint and chalk are the same lol. Dumbass.

Here is the judge's email: hshore@SanDiego.edu

$6000 to clean up some chalk? gimme a scrubber and a bucket ill take that bid.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.