News You Can't Use: Riot Control Robot Can Zap Protesters

Is there any problem that can't be solved by removing all human elements and replacing them with ostensibly reliable robotic devices, up to and including kill droids that will zap recalcitrant peasants who have issue with the lack of food or whatever in our Worker's Paradise? The answer is obviously "no" and our reliable friend and money-changer China just made the next big leap forward with a cool 'bot that will be easily handling the soft protoplasm vectors that crop up in the riots that nation's repressive government make inevitable. This is a great time to be alive.

A riot control robot that can zap people with an electrical charge has been unveiled in China.

The wisdom in allowing the Middle Kingdom to strip our manufacturing base and then running up massive debt has been thoroughly confirmed. These are our moral, intellectual and spiritual superiors.

Hailed as the country's first "intelligent security robot", it has an "electrically charged riot control tool" and an SOS button for people to notify police.

They've already deleted the disturbing video where a volunteer tried the "SOS button" and the kill-bot interpreted this as an act of aggression, peppering him with machine gun bullets. 

A photo posted to Twitter by The People's Daily Online news site was retweeted by US intelligence whistleblower Edward Snowden with the sarcastic caption: "Surely this will end well."

What part of "What could possibly go wrong?" don't you understand?

It has a top speed of 11mph and can work for up to eight hours on a single charge.

As opposed to decadent Yankee worker who has speeds of slow and stop and can work for a few minutes before slipping out for a smoke.

One said it was like ED-209 from the 1987 movie Robocop, which fired twin machine guns into one of its manufacturer's board members, but was still put into police service.

First, stop stealing my jokes. Second, it's nothing like that. It will incinerate the board member with deadly lightning, not sloppy machine guns.

The most common comparison was to the Daleks from British television series Dr Who.

Maybe among the dateless wonder demographic, anyway.

 Stop rioting, comrades.

The Knightscope K5 security robot has been used in Silicon Valley since 2014 but has no offensive capabilities.

Great job, USA.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.